Cranky Predictions for 2013

The Crank

2012 is over, thank the Lord. Every year for the past five, I thought the next year just HAD to be better. How did that work out? Not so good. I sincerely hope this year will actually be better than the last, but ah-aint-a-holdin-mah-breth. Here are my predictions for 2013, which has implications for the global economy, rock & roll, and comedy bloggers everywhere.

The Rolling Stones:

They will all die onstage amidst their latest tour, but the show will go on anyway. Keith Richards will later be revived and, in his current disguise, will be the only one to survive the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Ozzy Osborne:

He will put out a Polish wedding dance music album called Goin’ Off The Rails On A Nagel Train. I am 100% certain of this, but there are several title variations are possible…Roll out the War Pigs?

John Boehner:

Boehner’s home town will unveil a bronze statue of him, but no one will be able to tell them apart.

Harry Reid:

He will resign as Senate Leader after being asked to actually accomplish something. Then we will discover he’s had Alzheimer’s and has been living throughout his tenor under the volcano at the Mirage. The reason none of the 190 some-odd-bills sent from the house were voted on was because he couldn’t remember where he put them.

Chris Christie:

Unfortunately, New Jersey’s Governor will be the subject of an intervention when the New Jersey State Police find him at 3AM, drunk and naked, trying to break into a Krispy Kreme factory “to ride the glaze machine.”

Hugo Chavez:

The Venezuelan leader will die of cancer and Sean Penn will be elected the new President of Venezuela.


Hockey will resume but no one will notice—even some of the players, especially those with multiple concussions.

Barack Obama:

He will approve the oil pipeline, but only if it goes through Venezuela so we can pay them and Canada for the oil. When it’s done, he will veto the purchase of any of the said oil because he doesn’t want to risk polluting the Gulf of Mexico as it’s shipped back. Liberals will later hail this as a “major victory for the environment.”

Kim Kardashian:

She is pregnant and her ass will get so big it will be named the Eighth Wonder of the World by Guinness Book of Records.

Our Budget:

No budget will be passed this year, mainly because it’s been so long since we’ve had one no one really remembers how to do it. Oh, and we will go over the fiscal cliff eventually, only to find it was only a three foot drop.

The Congress:

They will find out the hard way that trying to take guns away from people with guns may be “problematic.”

The mentally ill:

They will protest that the terrible shootings are blamed on guns instead of the plight of inadequate care of the mentally ill. The media will call them crazy, as it’s obviously the gun’s fault.

The Department Of Justice:

They will charge RGIII with treason.

Sly Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger:

This duo will make one more action/adventure film about old men fighting for freedom. It’s going to be called What did you say? Heh?? They will then start a garage band called Sly and the Family Schwarzenegger, which will never make it out of the garage.

Piers Morgan:

He will spend the rest of his life inside Heathrow Airport when he gets deported from America, but England refuses him entry.
The Queen later said, “It took 40 years to get rid of him, you keep him.”


Progressives will come to the realization that people with differing views DO need to be respected. They will then shake their heads and say, “No, that can’t be right.” They will giggle, make a ‘pppfff’ sound and say, “Never mind.”

The U.S.:

Will finally accept Sharia Law and all the liberal women will say, “Wait…what?”
We will import “The Liverpool Plan” from the U.K.’s healthcare system, for its managed euthanasia plan for the elderly and the terminally ill. The Older Dems who made fun of “death panels” will say, “Wait…what?” But they will enjoy the surplus of Soylent Green.
We will mint four one-trillion dollar coins so Obama doesn’t have to negotiate the debt ceiling. When the dollar becomes worthless and our debt is downgraded to junk bond status, rich Dems will say, “Wait…what?”


The NFL will make all player-to-player contact illegal, leaving the defense left just yelling “no, please…stop” and waving their hands at oncoming players. Gays will then embrace football like never before.


A contest will be announced looking for the “girl with the biggest breasts in the world.” The winner will then be immediately hired by either Fox News or the Daily Discord.

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