Auburn, AL—A professor from Auburn University, Allen Gribben, has sparked considerable controversy this week by opting to rewrite the Mark Twain classic, Huckleberry Finn.
Gribben claims, “No one reads that old shit anymore. I thought to myself, how can our literary classics start competing again with the likes of YouTube, video games, and episodes of Jersey Shore?”
When asked why he went with The Adventures of Dingleberry Dan, Gribben felt the name more accurately captured the essence of his less savory, hipstery main character. Gribben hopes that by using more colloquial language in the rewrite and by adding some gratuitous sex scenes, it will actually help reintroduce Twain to the next generation. Captain Picard was unavailable for comment.
Gribben also reports tampering with Tom Sawyer as well. In the new version, Injun Joe’s character is a casino owning drunkard known as Rez-Rat Rick and Som Thawyer tortures animals and sets Aunt Polly on fire after she asks him to do the dishes. Gribben created this character with the hopes that it would “better resonate with today’s youth” and claims he changed the main character’s name because “Tom Sawyer is now completely associated with that Rush song. What was the name of that again?”
Even Mark Twain’s famous penname itself is apparently not sacred as Gribben changed it to Marked Taint. Apparently, his real name is deemed too offensive to Shania Twain, who can now be found sharting uncontrollably throughout the revised version of Chapter four.