Philadephia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is throwing his weight around again by trying to push out prospective owner of the Phoenix Coyotes, Matthew Hulsizer, by planning to purchase the NHL team out from under him.
When asked how he plans to finance the team, Winslow replied, “I’m using bailout funds…oh, um, I mean, I’m putting it on my credit card.”
When asked why the Coyotes, he said, “You can get Guinness on tap at Jobing.com. That’s about it. Who cares if there’s a hockey team there? Have you ever been to West Gate? Right outside of Glendale Arena there’s over 100 different beers on tap at the Yard House. The place is awesome!”
Winslow has only a few rules for his new team, the most controversial remains: the team is not permitted to take any points from the Detroit Red Wings, home or away. Also, Winslow will be playing right wing when he’s in town.
“I used to play ice hockey on the Phantoms here in Philadelphia. I was pretty good. Oh, and I played intramurals in college with Zano and Atsals. We made it to the finals one year—F-ing Lambda Chi’s.”
NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman, denies any deal in the works with the eccentric e-zine owner.
“I don’t know any Pierce Winslow,” said Bettman. “If he is interested in the Coyotes he needs to go through the normal vetting process.”
Winslow told Bettman “Stop living in denial. As soon as I outbid Lemieux and Burkle on you, I’ll be a shoe-in. You’ll be my little bitch just like everyone else around here. Zano, make me a sandwich and FedEx it to me 2nd day.”
He also warned Coyote coach, Dave Tippett, “The Coyotes are going to need to feed me the puck a lot or I’m benching someone’s ass. And where’s my &*^%ing sandwich!?!?!?”