Discord Prematurely Endorses Fictional Biden/Harris Ticket

I haven’t mentioned my Democratic dream ticket yet here on The Discord, primarily because I.Don’t.Have.One. After hearing my first Obama speech in 2007, I immediately got that fabled Mathewsuian “thrill up my leg,” and then I hoped he’d pick Joe as VP, because, hell, I have another leg, dammit! And, thankfully, he did—a decision Obama later called “among his best.” Granted, this election is thus far devoid of any leg thrills, but there’s one key mission in 2020: what is the best ticket to beat Herr Ass-clown? And I’m not talking about beating our president in a leather-clad-Stormy-Daniels-with-a-rolled-up-newspaper kind of way. I would, but I can’t comment on a bending investigation. I wonder if Trump’s ass is like Silly Putty and, after the hooker spanks him with a newspaper, you can still read Hannity’s talking points? Inquiring minds want to …buy the Enquirer! Wow. That Stormy image will stick in your brain forever, so I’m already sorry about this article. Can I call a Muellerigan? Back to the general election in 2020 …which is hindsight² …which is not something I’m apparently capable of today. Image still there… burning putty image…

[Winslow: Strong work, Zano, we’re already out of ellipses. I’ve ordered more.]

Who can beat Trump in 2020, Zano?

Before Kamala Harris had her Perry Mason moment during last week’s Barr hearing and before Joe officially joined the race, I was mulling a Biden/Harris ticket. My reasoning? This ticket is the best way to thread the needle between the rust belt, working class moderate Dems, and this new breed of progressives. In order to be successful, any ticket must marry both factions of this divided party, which is the same reason I called Hillary’s pick for a running mate in 2016 “reckless”:

“I haven’t been less excited about a ticket since Nevada passed that ‘hands free’ law. How are traveling ventriloquists supposed to practice on the road now, Vegas?! Didn’t think of that, did you!” —Me, then

[Retraction: Fine, it was about masturbating.]

Biden won’t make that same mistake …because he probably has a limo driver *cough*. But by adding Kamala Harris to the ticket, he could generate enough excitement from our women, youth, and minorities to overlook some of his vulnerabilities with these demographics. Our former VP has some ‘women scorned’ elements at play, yet the prime objective for me is to dethrone our 45th president. Or:

[Unwanted hug V Access Hollywood pussy.]

You will find none of my chief complaints rhyme with ‘I Need A Bill’. Joe’s #AnitaToo saga is a concern, for sure, but it’s covered next week more thoroughly, same bat time, same bat channel!

Here are my own issues with Bidester:

Concern #1: The Iraq War.

This was my chief complaint with Madam Secretary as well. Many of the old guard showed a Republican-level lack of insight back in 2002. The invasion of Iraq was a fateful decision and I hope we, as a nation, will never entrust a Republican to take us to war again… Kidding, an aircraft carrier is en route to the Persian Gulf as we speak and, even more concerning, John Bolton is skipping his Viagra dose today. So as soon as Pompeo gets a different kind of thrill up his leg, we’ve got the full ‘trilogy of error’ on deck. Thankfully the voice of reason with respects to a war with Iran is our president, unless he thinks it could distract people from Mueller testifying, or Ivanka has a chance to exploit a war through some new product lines. Swag the Dog?

Concern #2: Ageism.

Call it what you want: ageism, geriatric prejudice, over-the-Capitol-Hill bigotry, or even Ancient Alienation, but as I write this bit, Biden just called Theresa May, Margaret Thatcher. It’s not ageism, folks, it’s the psychological reality of cognitive age decline. It’s part of the human condition. I feel the same way about anyone running for office who’s over 70. We don’t notice it as much with Republicans, of course, because their neurons aren’t firing properly from the get-go.

[Roger Ailzheimers joke removed by the editor.]

Concern #3: The omnipresent gaffe.

Joe Biden is a gaffe machine on steroids. In a healthy environment most of his brain farts wouldn’t cost much, beyond some style-points, but this is a new day, isn’t it? It doesn’t take much for zombieland to run with a false narrative, or, on the flip-side, it doesn’t take much to trigger a full blown liberal-driven Frankenesque lynch mob.

On that note, who can compete these days with someone who hasn’t actually done anything? This is where the novice has a distinct advantage. Liberals are pigeonholing themselves into electing some baggage-less twenty-something, devoid of a police record or any human interactions whatsoever …a person preferably raised by wolves …in a cave.

[Tarzano joke omitted & those ellipses arrived! Thank goodness for Amazon Prime.]

Concern 4# (And the reason for this article): Biden’s misdiagnosis of the Republican party.

With a heavy heart, I added this one today. This New Republic article captures my concern: Joe Biden Says Trump is an Aberration. He’s Wrong. If this is a ploy to get elected, it might be smart politics, but having watched him over the years I think he really believes his own rhetoric. In 2019 we all need to understand the dangers of Republicanism as a whole. Forget thimerosal and aluminum, we’re exposing our children to something way more dangerous in way higher dosages than recommended by the CDC.

[Retraction: the newly appointed head of the CDC now wears an aluminum foil hat.]

Has your child been exposed to needless Foxinations? Turn off Fox or risk having your kids contract the weasels.

This flies in the face of my major premise. Republicans are the problem and have been for a very long time. My forecast remains gloomy because America was always going to pendulum back to R at different times and I never thought for a moment we’d survive any more of their rank incompetence. I don’t care if Joe gets along with the last few sane examples; they are anathema; they are cancer, and their sick agenda must be stopped.

Sure Biden can try to make deals and reach across the aisle all he wants, in fact, he’s good at it. But thinking he can really work effectively with the existing GOP is more bravado than afficianado. More than that, if he thinks he can save Republicans from themselves, he is as delusional as they are. Paul Waldman called Joe ‘deluded’ today as well, right before I go to post! Thanks Paul! You don’t write shit for two weeks then you steal my thunder? Oh, that’s right, I don’t have any thunder. Well, stand by for some drizzle.

I’ve always been upset with Biden’s schtick. For decades he’s been going on about, “People just care about meat and potatoes polices,” or “We have more that unites us than divides us.” Whereas that may have been true twenty years ago, it is no longer the case. It could play well with the moderates, but it’s nevertheless a lie. Waldman thinks this approach gains little at this point, primarily due to the severely polarized climate in which we find ourselves. He thinks that in 2020 only an enthusiastic and energized base matters.

The biggest failing of the Obama Administration was trying to unite the country. Barack and Joe needed to figure out much sooner that the Mitch McConnell’s of the world would never work with them and that these not-ready-for-prime-time assholes were nothing but obstructionists on a good day and fascists on a bad one. You’re telling me, our former veep still hasn’t figured this out yet? You lived it, dude. If Biden really believes Trump is an outlier and not the symptom of a greater illness then he is unfit for office.

The ‘there are good people on both sides’ argument is dead. Think ‘one side torch of liberty and the other side tiki torches of hatred’. Anyone else left in Republicana must choose whether they are greedy or ignorant; the fabled third type of conservative no longer exists in the wild.

I am concerned a Bernie or other more radical liberal won’t be able to win anything but the bluest of blue states, and then we get four more years of some Hammer film with Traumaville overtones. Trump has already identified Biden as trouble and, say what you want about our criminal in chief, he can identify a threat when he sees one. All of his arguments against socialism fall flat on Biden. He will need to reinvent the attack and a more progressive running mate still acknowledges the new movement in the Democratic party.

I’m somewhere between Sullivan’s view that Joe has some broader electability than most, and Waldman who is done supporting the pragmatic candidate. But if Joe is as savvy as I think, he might just pick a winner.

Why not Harris/Biden, Zano?

She wouldn’t pick him and he’s done playing second fiddle. Other combos, at the moment, have less umf. Sullivan believes the stark contrast alone between these two men will be hard to ignore:

“There is also, dare I say it, a deeper contrast between the two men. One is decent, kind, generous, funny. The other is indecent, cruel, miserly, and has the callous humor of a bully.”

And Biden alone is the guy who can make Trump look truly foolish during a debate. He is battle-ready. His debate performance in 2008 is likely why Obama chose him. He rocked it. Thus far the others don’t have Joe’s grasp of the issues and the nuances, although admittedly he needs a little bump leftward in his thinking. Margaret Thatcher would probably agree.

*Now remember, the one thing I don’t predict well over the years is who will win nominations and elections. When I’ve had to eat crow here on the ‘Cord, this is when crow is often on the menu. I am no Nate Silvers. My prognostication prowess tends to kick in after America makes its terrible choices.

 

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

  1 comment for “Discord Prematurely Endorses Fictional Biden/Harris Ticket

  1. Mick Zano
    May 12, 2019 at 6:34 PM

    Damn Politico, a little to the party, but thanks for not reading! Jerks! https://www.politico.com/story/2019/05/12/joe-biden-kamala-harris-dream-ticket-1317561

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