Edmonton, Alberta—”The Great One” has a new meaning today for hockey fans, as many are calling this Canadian tragedy the “fart heard ‘round the world”. Survivors claim there was a grunt, a ptththt, and a massive explosion after Adam Pardy of the Calgary Flames slammed into Zack Stortini of the Edmonton Oilers during the second period of last night’s game. The explosion left 57 dead and hundreds more unable to make it to the concession stand for the remainder of the game.
Canadian newspapers have not commented on the civilian deaths but are worried about the three Oilers and four Flames who may not return for the final two games of the season.
“It’s a travesty,” said NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman. “Calgary had a shot at the playoffs.”
The dead players are not expected to return, but the ones who only lost limbs are expected to play if their respective team makes the playoffs.
“Hockey checks, flames, oil, and farts are a volatile mixture. It’s worse than Bone, Zano, and the Shaman at an open bar,” commented Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bait Shop. “This incident was just a matter of time. It’s like playing with fire…and oil…and farts.”