Propaganda bombards us from every angle of the media, but there is one piece of propaganda overlooked by everyone. The cell phone has become instituted as THE medium for communication in the post-modern age.  I’m talking about how the cell phone is good and even necessary for human interaction.  Everybody has one.  They’re in the bars, on the buses, in the parks, and even in the hands of our children.  We’ve bought them hook, line, and ringer.  We’re merrily chit-chatting in our own little worlds while remaining oblivious to the real consequences.

Fact—there is a direct link between cell phone use and brain cancer.  Studies find that a person who uses a cell phone for ten years has a fifty percent increased risk of brain cancer.  Fact—cell phone use is addictive.  The only true piece of rhetoric that cell phonies state is “once you try one, you’ll never go back.”  That’s the same thing a junkie once told me about heroin, and Mick Zano about Thai Hookers, and Dave Atsals about hookers on heroin.

We conscientious communicators do encounter a dilemma.  Today, any other telephone is obsolete.  It’s like trying to get my eight-track music mix to work at an iPod party.  The old school phones now charge me long distance to call a cell phony standing across the street if his area code doesn’t match mine.  Oh, you’re 212, honey? Call me when you’re 516.  And just try to find a working pay phone these days.  My Morse Code, semaphore, and smoke signals are increasingly ignored.

“Breaker one nine, Zano.  Where’s the End of the Year Party this year, over?”

So I either submit to these brain-numbing technologies or else I’m out of loop.  Let me tell you what; you can take your loop and shove it up your iPod.

As one who has had the wisdom and forbearance to abstain from the cell phone tyranny, I can objectively report my findings—cell phones make people dumb…well, maybe it’s just that dumb people tend to use cell phones.  I noticed so many stupid people around. Double dumb, Dave Atsals carries two cell phones at all times.  He’s a regular Text Ritter. So I guess that’s one good thing cell phones offer; they bring stupidity out of the closet.  Oh yeah, they’re out of the closet all right, and now they’re talking loud on the bus about their chronic constipation and the latest episode of Survivor.

I’ll be fair. Cell phones do bring some benefits.  They improve social popularity (among brain dead people); they allow mediocre people to feel important without having to develop substantial qualities.  Cell phones enhance your financial opportunities by beating us slow Pokeys to the punch.  Oh, and let’s not forget that cell phones also provide easy distractions from potentially uncomfortable and introspective moments.  At any time of day, people of all ages now have the ability to shelter themselves from what’s occurring right in front of them.  Finally, humanity has the chance to create a completely calm and complacent society. The benefits will allow people to avoid the stressful realization that their Federal Government has ransacked the treasury and is in the process of creating a social tyranny of which our children and grandchildren will never recover.  Don’t worry, be chatty.

It’s time to make a stand.  Throw those cancer machines in the trash and talk to me face to face—if you’ve got the guts.  By the way, what gives you the right to ban me from smoking in public while you’re allowed to take your cell phone anywhere?  I’ll tell you what gives you the right—your lack of logic and your comfort with hypocrisy.  I demand that a study be done on the effects of second hand cell phone radiation.

As for me, I’ve had it with our age.  This technocratic society has reached a point of no return.  I’m done with TVs, cars, cell phones, iPods, internet bureaucracies, and this false Federal Government that promises to give us everything in exchange for our liberties. 

I write for the Discord, a funny website.  Ain’t never been there, they tell me it’s nice.

I’m slipping through the cracks of this preprogrammed dictatorship for good.  I’m heading for some new Verizons, people, so DON’T CALL ME, I’LL CALL YOU.

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Pokey McDooris

Pokey McDooris

Pokey is The Discord's chief theologian and philosopher. Pokey performs an important function here at The Discord, namely by annoying the living shit out of Zano, whenever he submits something.