Millennial Parents Prepare Their Future Politicians With Allegation-Free Body Bubbles

In the wake of the #MeToo environment in which society now finds itself, many progressive parents are opting to spare their potential politicians from a lifetime of needless allegations. It’s safe, it’s easy, and it’s guaranteed to keep your future leader scandal free, or your money back! In a world where any touch can be perceived as a bad one, even decades later, why take a chance on human interaction at all? Why not protect your children’s important political future from any and all sexual assault charges? This product doubles as a certified safe space that broadcasts non-stop 24/7 affirmations designed to activate automatically, whenever and wherever social micro-aggressions rear their ugly head. The Body Bubbles come in toddler, elementary, high-school and adult sizes. There’s even an XL and an XXL for those budding President Tafts out there among us. Speaking of pork barrel spending, take advantage of these Black Friday sales today and save both cash and your child’s political aspirations!

Our ‘Snowflake 1000’ model is programmed to drown out offensive or disconcerting views with the touch of a button. Or, why not try our ‘Full Millennial’, designed to encourage your boss to award annual meritless raises? Yes, you heard right, these raises and promotions are not based on effort, attendance, or performance, yet your special someone will be guaranteed to move up the corporate ladder (corporate ladder sold separately).

These unearned accolades are activated via tiny subliminal messages constantly emanating from the bubble that remind your employer, that if he or she fires your ass, you’re probably unemployable and will likely die of starvation. Your boss won’t know what hit him or her, but don’t worry about hitting anyone, because you can’t! The bubble makes any meaningful human contact or interaction next to impossible. It’s a liberal safe-space paradise!

If you act now, we are also offering a social media clean-up crew. These professional bots will work night and day to ensure that whatever shows up on any and all TwitFace or InstaSpam activities will be G rated or below …you know, the way the god you don’t believe exists intended. And, if you act now, there’s a function that hinders any and all inappropriate Google searches. Why find out years later that your legacy hopes are dashed by a browser history fraught with lesbian spanking pages and naked volleyball sites? Anything less than Hallmark Channel level on-line activities trigger a free round of electro-convulsive therapy. As a side effect of this feature, searching porn may result in an unintended reduction in depression, or permanent neural damage.

The Body Bubble has proven 99% effective in laboratory studies (aka, out of the one hundred test subjects, only Bill Clinton managed to gnaw his way out of the thing). Do not use the Body Bubble when operating heavy machinery, driving, working, playing, sleeping, or taking medications. Results may vary, but they are usually the same …fucking awful.

All of our Safe Space Body Bubbles come with a 10% discount for in-network local therapists, because, devoid of any human touch or contact, your child will be needing professional help soon. Our bubbles come in snowflake, extra snowflake, and ultra-liberal designs, so order today!

This product is brought to you by the makers of the popular Zombie Brain Feeder.

Zombie Feeders Now Deemed Safe And Fun For The Whole Family

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.