Glenn Beck and the Emperor’s New Caliphate

Mick Zano

During my last post I never reached the Promised Land: the heralded 2nd interesting Republican prediction of the 21st century. This one comes in the form of Glenn Beck’s Caliphate. Beck’s obviously referencing a group of AM radio hosts who hope to expand their current syndicated stations to one day span from the tip of Alaska to the tip of Florida—wait, that’ll be underwater. Never mind.

The accurate Ukraine/invasion prediction was the GOP’s first interesting guess, here. I never got to the 2nd because my blogging-style remains, ahem, less than concise. I appreciate the feedback and vow to keep all of my posts shorter than the Affordable Care Act’s 11,588,500 words, mostly.

Glenn Beck predicted a Muslim Caliphate, a direct descendant of Mohammad, would soon be chosen and would rule an area from Asia through the Middle East to the western coast of Africa.

First off, I think Beck’s legit. I don’t think he’s all schtick like Ann Coulter. Sure he’s delusional, childlike and misguided, but who on the right isn’t these days? Kidding! Glenn says he’s no longer a Republican, here, which shows some insight. I watched the bit Pokey was talking about here, aka when Mr. Beck and his Magic Chalkboard warned of a Muslim Caliphate.

Saying Muslims may try to bring a huge swath of failed states under one Mullah, Ayatollah or other Religious War Clown (RWC) is about as insightful as saying pyramids are often pyramid-shaped. This has been radical Islam’s goal for centuries. My goal, equally arduous, is to decipher Republicana for those scant few nuggets of insight.

I agree that Chris Hayes on MSNBC wrongly attacked Beck for sharing his Caliphate premise. Shifting all the real estate currently amidst this jihadic turmoil under one dude would be great fun for radicals—more to kill and rape in the name of Allah.

Beck is still wrong, of course. Do you really think these folks are going to all agree on Mohammad’s proper successor? I think our sun will exhaust its hydrogen supply first. They are their own worst enemy and a lot of them will die at the hands of their brothers. Nothing will change until they move beyond their fundamentalist mindset, or at least get Netflix.


“While ISIS will have a tough time holding territory and governing it as a Caliphate, it can still ignite a massive sectarian bloodletting.”

—Good ol’ Buck Sexton


Sure, there’ll be a shit-ton of infighting, death, and carnage, but a consensus? …Middle Eastern Muslims? Hey, I know how to pick your caliphate guy: just gather in the Dome of the Rock and when the color of the smoke changes it means you burned the right infidel. What, too soon?

Whereas ISIS is making progress by calling other groups to their banner, including Boko Haram, they still have quite the uphill battle. Scaling El Capitan on greased roller-skates sounds easier. First they would have to overthrow all the existing governments. As we speak, Nigeria is fiercely battling Boko Haram and the Iraqi army is battling ISIS for Tikrit. The Shiite’s are growing their own radical groups to counter the Sunni shit-show. In the end, the whole thing’s worse than the Republican Primaries

In fact, David Petraeus just told the Washington Post our biggest long term problem in Iraq is Shiite-backed militias. And the 2nd biggest problem is when he shares this with his new mistress. I kid the General.

We’re seeing a rise in Yemen of these Shiite factions as well. While the U.S. is backing Iran in Iraq as well as the Saudis in Yemen, those two special countries are only attacking their own radical adversaries. Can things get more F-d up? Sure they can. It’s the Middle East, silly. We are amidst a long overdue Islamic civil war and Obama’s approach involves letting them spend some of their own treasure and blood while working out their “important” spiritual differences.  A Fartwa?

Oh and if a radicalized group, Shiite or Sunni or otherwise, should emerge with a real foothold in some sovereign area, the international community will start dropping bombs on their heads.

Sounds like a wonderful little venture! Where do I sign up for the cars and the women? I’m not saying they’re not overachievers, but a true Caliphate will not be chosen and the area in question will not come under one banner any time soon, if ever. And your answer to this problem is ridiculous, Mr. Poke.  Convert them to Catholicism? I’m not saying that’s not a step in the right direction, for sure, but aren’t the last few thousand years enough of a failed experiment for you? Tell you what, you supply the Mormons with the white shirt-tie combo, and I’ll fund Watchtower brochures for some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Then we can drop them in Somalia, Yemen, and Syria and we can kick back with some whiskey and place some bets, eh? White Man’s Bourbon?

In some perverse way I like the idea of ISIS calling every piece of crap in the world to their banner and then dropping a bomb on said banner. Yes, I’m not as sensitive as most liberals. Sorry if I think we have a right to be a little miffed at the group most likely to end our species. It’s not an “ugly” statement, it’s a fact. I hate it when liberals shy away from facts—such practices should be relegated to Fox Noise-types. But, we should also be proud of our American Muslims for not feeding into this tribal bullshit. As I’ve said, the answer lies in moderate Muslims, not radicalized Republicans.

Regardless, Obama needs to keep the American people appraised of the situation in the Middle East, whether or not it deviates from his main themes and strategies. This is a rare point where I agree with the Pokester. We need to strike that balance of information vs. radical recruitment.

Lest we forget, the main two marginally insightful GOP moments were uttered by Beck and Palin. This is no small point when you consider the relative mental health of your party. Pokey doesn’t seem to care that the only people who agree with him are certifiable. The right wing of any party on Earth has only one solution, war.  If a heavy branch somewhere endangers a garage roof, the all-or-none thinking right will always want to cut down all the trees in the neighborhood…or, worse yet, build an ark.

[Winslow: I’m ratting Zano out. His original submission did exceed the A.C.A’s word count by a rather wide margin.]

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.