Calling A Muellerigan? Barr To Release Special Counsel Report In April But Won’t Specify Year

In a legal loophole wrapped in a statutorial technicality, Attorney General William Barr is only compelled to name the month he intends to release the full Mueller Report, not the year. The year will remain redacted until *cough*, the year. This wouldn’t surprise me as he’s probably already in some reputational hot water after his recent summary, non-summary snap judgment, aka, an obvious effort to exonerate a sitting ass-clown. When I first heard about William It’s-not-illegal-if-a-president-does-it Barr, aka the Iran-Contra coverup guy, I immediately returned to the gangster analogy. He’s the ‘cleaner’, the guy the mob calls in to bleach the crime scene and burn all the evidence. I called Mueller honorable, but does this corporate lawyer’s lawyer deserve the same treatment? If key parts of this document remain hidden from view for “reputational reasons”, not ongoing investigational ones, we still have a problem. So a guy who believes presidents can’t commit crimes, who auditioned for Trump by defending his decision to fire Comey, has exonerated Trump of any and all crimes? Talk about stacking the deck, oh wait, Trump can’t open a casino on the Las Vegas strip either. Hmmm. We need to know who is making these decisions in redaction-land or: Who Watches the Redactmen?

In the comment section my friend claims I’m wrong and should just admit I’m wrong, and that I’m “grasping at straws.” But these are very large straws in a pile of unethical refuse. It’s also an effort to help the sea turtles. I’m standing by my take on events up and until the adults in the room are allowed to review the evidence. Hint of the day: not your people. Today The GOP is a criminal organization, nothing more. Being wrong all the time is not a coincidence, which may just be a coincidence.

“Doctors say Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there’s only a 10 percent chance of that.”

—Ed Hocken

You’re a supposed ‘truth seeker’, Pokey, one that follows a political party that requires no truth to function. That reminds me of a certain Alanis Morisette song …Jagged Little Pill. Why? What were you thinking? You have to admit Republicans are good at this. They’re political survivalists, subsisting for months at a time in the 24/7 news cycle on a diet of only Pizzagate and Whitewater.

I understand how national security or information pertinent to ongoing investigations should be kept from the public, but the judicial committee must receive the full version of the Mueller report. No one is saying this yet, but when Barr refuses to do just that, we’re facing yet another constitutional crisis.

William Barr is the same William Barr who buried the Iran-Contra scandal. Do you think that’s another coincidence, Poke? Sully and Yglesias claim it’s better for the country that our president isn’t a traitor and under normal circumstances I would agree. But they’re wrong on this one; the sooner this evil is exposed and rooted out the better. And even if you’re right about every corner of Trump’s agenda from here on out, Poke, which is winning-lotto-twice-while-crashing-in-a-plane unlikely, the long term damage this administration will unleash on the planet is unconscionable. Today we find that Trump’s EPA thinks the best way to fight climate change is with more pollution, here.

“Yeah, we don’t know a lot about this science stuff, so maybe polluting more will actual counter the rest of the pollution, or at least it will help some of us in key positions obtain the resources to horde enough oxygen when shit gets real.”

—John Q. Republican

How do you remain convinced you’re on the right side of history with tidbits like that each day? Similarly, did you listen to Schiffs’ response to calls for his resignation? What parts of that damning laundry list will prove false? Somewhere between zero and none. We really need to find out where the Republican brain hides when facts emerge. It’s like how you can only look at light as a wave or a particle, but not both at the same time. QAnon Mechanics?

In my adult lifetime Republicans got away with a proxy war with Iran, war crimes that include torture, lying us into a war, which set into motion a chain of events so disastrous for all involved that it’s still destabilizing parts of Europe today, let alone the Middle East. And now who knows how much conspiracy/collusion/ and corruption is being swept under the table?

Republican crimes fall into a few camps: never investigated (see: George W Bush), or hired mob-like ‘cleaner’ such as Barr to take care of business (see: Ronald Reagan/Donald Trump), or some Scooter Libby agreed to take the fall (see: Dick Cheney). They make themselves rich and are never held accountable for their crimes, save a little historical criticism. But, don’t worry, it’s nothing AM radio and Fox News can’t white-nationalist-wash. Who cares if their presidents rank among the worst in history, as long as they stay out of the hoosegow and make a few bucks, right? All is fair in love and unnecessary war. What does the next Wall Street collapse matter to the people who know how to profit from it?

Is there a Scooter Libby in this scenario? Manaforte? Stone? Or some other as yet unnamed individual 3? Will the Mueller report reveal such a person? What are the areas Mueller chose not to investigate, offhand it seems like all of them.

Here’s the real shitty part: moving forward anything—and I mean any Trump wrongdoing even questioned—will trigger a variation of this same response: “sorry, you had your chance with the one-lane still-redacted Muellerigan Report.” No matter what it says or doesn’t say, the cliff notes are the new gospel. Re-read the redacted parts, Zano, no collusion. Mueller looked into everything under the sun and Trump is now beyond reproach. Post Mueller, we as a nation are going to have a much harder time correcting this disastrous mistake. We could have hoped for more and no matter how this turns out, it certainly isn’t one of my better predictions. But remaining locked into this administration any longer is like being in the part of the sci-fi movie when the last escape pod has left and gravity is now sucking the mother ship into the black hole. Not sure this will fit somewhere in the GOP’s mission statement, but perhaps that’s a good weekend project.

Meanwhile, let’s ignore these huge, in your face, web of deceit crime-fests, in favor of more fishing expeditions for process crimes. McCabe didn’t follow protocol, Loretta Lynch did her job, but she’s black. Hillary Clinton still mishandled several emails. Why wasn’t she mishandling them via Instagram, like Jared and Ivanka? And a whole shit load of other brain farts that we’ve come to expect from our know-nothing counterparts.

Barr is going to find a way to redact anything damning, because that’s what Republicans do. And to answer your other question, Pokey, the new mantra for U.S. politics should be innocent until proven Republican. That should help. I don’t think there are a lot of crimes to even uncover as Mueller stuck to two topics, aka collusion (not guilty enough) and obstruction (guilty as F***). As for money laundering, more to come on that score. And I’m sick of people who don’t give a rat’s ass about the truth asking, “what crimes?” Open your eyes, read the links I offer. Take a Trump U class if you don’t believe me. Here’s another one: Taj Mahal’s money laundering past.

[Seventh wonder of my ass joke removed from the janitor with a political plunger.]

Sometimes 27 indictments does not a relevant inquiry make and sometimes the largest money laundering charge in history changes nothing. Our president has surrounded himself with crooks, but, sure, maybe he isn’t one—maybe he just lies all the time and acts guilty as some of the finer aspects of his personality disorder. Evidence, indictments, convictions ….none of this matters anymore. The Republican brain is programmed to reject reality. It’s like their all forged from the same impervious adamantine of the political world. Wolverines of Wall Street? How about instead of ignoring this growing mountain of disturbing facts, try finding a year devoid of Trump money laundering, fraud, tax dodging, or corruption?

The final score is yet to come and it’s going to get ugly before it gets uglier. This bright spot in Trump’s tenor is still a disgustingly dark patch for American history …at least for those of us who can still process information.




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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.