As I watch my kids grow, I am often amazed at some of the things we, as a society, choose to teach our youngsters. No, I’m not just talking about The Ghetto Shaman’s column, at least this time. But what are some of these children’s book authors smoking? This post is a must-read if you are a parent. Come on, people, has the Discord ever let you down before? That was a rhetorical question.
Granted, when I was a kid, we had Tom & Jerry, Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, among others. These anvil-dropping rejects certainly exposed us to our fair share of violence, but I think they were at least grounded in some moral purity. Most of the violence was driven by hunger, which makes sense as most of those early cartoonists weren’t completely over the Great Depression. They used to have to hold up signs that read: “will draw coyote dropping anvil on something for money” and the like. It’s amazing any of them made it. So they had an excuse. What’s today’s cartoonists excuse? Did they grow up with an Atari but no Nintendo? Whatever the reason, I don’t want these people anywhere near my children.
Here are just a few examples of the types of things we teach kids these days, either blatantly or subliminally. Mere coincidence? Take a look and decide for yourself.
From The Lady with the Alligator Purse book:
Why are we teaching kids that Miss Lucy had a baby? She also seems to have a bondage fetish.
From the Caillou Babysitter book:
I’ll bet he wants to show her his new pajamas. But why would toddler girls be wearing a teddy in the first place?
From the Caillou Daddy book:
What in Hell is this guy doing? I’m calling Child Protective Services right now. I am mandated reporter!
From the Sesame Street Farm toy barn:
Is it me, or does this look a little suspicious? I’m having Ned Beatty flashbacks and I don’t even own a canoe.
Also from the Sesame Street Farm toy barn:
There’s nothing sheepish about this scene. What, exactly, is this sheep sucking on? Whatever it is, Elmo really seems to enjoy it.
From the Pat the Bunny book:
I mean, come on, are you serious? This book is for 2 year olds! I wasn’t into show and tell until I was at least 5. And sure she was underage, duh!
From the Little Princesses; Dreams Come True book by Walt Disney:
I don’t think our kids should be introduced to bestiality until well into middle school. Oh, and Aladdin takes Jasmine for a very suggestive Magic Carpet Ride. I suppose his dream comes true as well. Oh, and is the location of the magic lamp a coincidence? Isn’t Jasmine supposed to rub it to make the Genie come out? Which reminds me, I Dream of Barbara Eden. Am I showing my age?
From the Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends show on Noggin and Nick Jr:
First off, it’s Miss Spider, and she has eight kids (another Octomom scenario?). Eight more fanged chelicerae the government will ultimately have to feed? My spidey sense tells me she should have eaten her young! And keep in mind, she’s a spider. Her significant other is a spider, and only three of the kids are spiders. The other five are all different, every one of them. Seems to me Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch gets a lot of visitors. And all of them were probably eaten by the damn SOB.
In conclusion…well, I don’t really have one, but Winslow insists. He’s like everybody’s dreaded English teacher, the bastard! OK, and they all lived happily ever after …therapy.