Clemency for Clemens?  Why Lying to a Politician Should Not Only Be Legal But Encouraged

Mick Zano

Let me get this straight, Roger Clemens was doping, but his only actual charge was lying under oath to Congress.  Umm, lying to Congress?  Isn’t that kind of like using magic against Voldemort?  I mean, Congress lies constantly.  This is the only language they understand.  If his deceit is proven in a court of law, maybe Clemens should be forced to represent Texas in the House of Representatives for a two-year term.  Call it perjury duty. 

Many journalists and bloggers are coming to this chump’s aid, but even they are missing the main point.  How can Congress judge anyone on matters of truth anymore?  It’s like letting Casey Anthony open a daycare center.  Truth be told, I have not been following this Clemens case—mainly because it was cutting into my drinking time—but I don’t get the purpose of this witch hunt.  I didn’t like the guy either.  Back in the day, he was too good.  When a pitcher is really good, it actually makes baseball an even duller sport (no easy trick).  I would rather get a root canal than watch a so-called “perfect game.”  You know what I call a perfect game?  Hockey. 

Most of our elected representatives make statements ranging from slight exaggerations to boldfaced lies.   This is now the norm.  Isn’t using performance enhancing drugs the norm for baseball players?  Hmm, so if ball players are doing what they do, then why is Clemens in trouble?  Maybe because lying is acting too much like a politician.   A little politician prevarication parroting, perhaps?  Sometimes alliteration is fun!  Sadly, this is not one of those times.

How dare Congress admonish a creepy baseball doper for refusing to throw himself under the bus during his own investigation.  When did the last politician come clean before his goose was officially cooked?  Clinton?  Edwards? Weiner?  No, they all lie until there is irrefutable evidence against them and then, when all else fails, they spin.  So it should be the norm to address politicians in the two languages they understand, spin or falsehoods (which is also a great party game).

This is what the next person should say when stuck in a similar predicament:

Sorry Mr. Chairman—of the shallow, on-the-take prickwads—but I do not recognize this committee as an institution even remotely rooted in what I would call the truth.  And, since I don’t recognize any of you as anything but a bunch of political primates, I’m going to pound on my chest and fling feces around the room (which is also great at parties).  I do this in honor of the so-called “people’s work” you have since reduced to a sideshow sham of a farce.

It’s very rare to hear anyone in our government truly speaking from the heart anymore.  Talking out of their arse, sure, but the heart?  Neither D nor R has a genuine bone left in their bodies.  They don’t have anything driving them but their own re-elections, except maybe Senator Larry “Wide-Stance” Craig (oh, no you didn’t!). 

If we don’t change the Constitution to create some one-and-done terms for key positions in our government, we’re in real trouble.  I know, I know, occasionally we will lose a competent statesman, but, sorry, they’re now the exception, not the rule.  Re-election is too much of a distraction and the cash for re-election could be better spent…like on the Ghetto Shaman’s Barely Legal Kundilini Cruise, for instance.  

This is why the Tea Party is seeking the common man. This much I understand about them.  I get the premise.  We need a Mr. Smith to go to Washington.  Meanwhile, all we get is a Mr. Smith & Wesson goes to my local AZ bar.  I actually think Congress’ 17% approval rating is a bit high.  They’re an embarrassment and they’re doing far more damage than any cheating ball player ever will. 

So hear ye, hear ye:  All baseball players should stop doping and politicians should start!  In fact, I am sending Clemens’ doctor over to the Capitol Building with a syringe full of manhood as we speak.

You want to save some money on the deficit?  Lying to Congress should be a fine—a fine that goes directly to the deficit—and then Congress should have to pay twice as much for lying twice as many times.  They should pay triple if the investigation is deemed stupid (like this one).  Charge all of the bastards sitting on the committee to the subcommittee as well. 

Think of the revenues from sex scandals.  For each politician’s infidelity, all their alimony should go to the deficit.  Don’t worry; the spouse will do fine on Springer.  And, finally, every time catches a politician in a lie it’s a $10,000 fine for a Congressman, a $20,000 fine for a Senator, and a $100,000 fine for the President.  We will all be out of debt by…hey, we’re already out of debt!  See how well that can work?  We can change the trajectory of the deficit without gutting critical services?  Naah, I’m just kidding, cut it all…we’re screwed either way.  Sorry, I’m in a mood—more of a morose, melancholy malaise, really.

(I’m being told to stop.)

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.