Washington D.C.—The U.S. National Park Service announced today that Canada has been sold to the Exxon Mobil Corporation so they can to do “whatever they see fit.”
In a press release today, Jonathan Jarvis, Director of the NPS, stated “As we all know, Canada is simply the largest suburb of the United States, and they have been nothing but a pain in the ass, what with their play money, insistence that they are a real country, and over use of the adverb ‘eh’. This is an opportunity for the U.S. to alleviate a portion of the Federal deficit, close the foreign oil gap, and shut those fuckin’ canucks up for good.”
Jarvis later asked to have the word “fuckin’” removed from his statement and placed in a to-go pouch.
Rex Tillerson, the CEO of Exxon Mobile added, “As Canada’s new landlords, we really don’t want to appear insensitive, so our theme Drill, Baby, Drill has been Canadianized to Drill, Eh, Drill to reflect our northern neighbor’s rich culture. And, of course, they can keep their hockey. But the shale drilling will be impacting the ground water almost immediately, so, in a preemptive move, all hockey will be played on black ice with a white puck. Frankly, we think it’ll be cooler anyway.”
When asked if there was any connection between this hasty business venture and the recent loss of the Olympic Gold Medal in Hockey, Tillerson replied, “None that I am aware of, but if they would see fit to extradite that war criminal, Sid the Kid, then…I mean, uh, no.”