Harry Potter: Ten Years I’ll Never Get Back

Mick Zano

The biggest blockbuster of the year is undoubtedly Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows—Part 2. You know it’s a serious movie when I throw in an adverb as big and daunting as ‘undoubtedly’, right from the get go.   The Daily Discord was there to cover this prestigious premiere.  When I say premiere, I mean, a week later during a matinee at the Ghettoplex.  Oh, and Mr. Winslow will probably never reimburse me the admission price.  Bastard! 

I have to say, for the record, this last wizardly installment has made me a believer in magic!  How any movie could pacify the hundreds of screaming-meemies in my audience is truly miraculous. I do believe in Harrys, I do, I do!  For this I offer a Sorting Hat tip to J.K. Rowling and Co.  I’m not kidding, the place was bursting at the seams…and not just with kids…let’s not forget those youngins from ten years ago at Harry’s debut (aka, those annoying twenty somethings in the back).  They all fell silent after the last preview as if by some divine intervention.  Who says paganism is dead? 

I’m not going to give away any of the fun.  You know, the Luke Skywalker is Yoda’s second cousin kind of thing.  I think it’s more important to reflect on this whole pagan Potter phenomenon and its implications for American culture.   This, coincidentally, was also my thesis, which may help explain why I am not a doctor.  But why the hell did we all get sucked into this decade-long nightmare?  Most of my married life has been spent asking: “Are Snape and Dumbledore in cahoots?”  “How do you spell Whorecrux and is there some connection to that Vegas chick I periodically employ?” and, let’s not forget, “If Dumbledore is gay, is he a proponent of don’t ask, don’t spell?”

For good or ill, upon leaving the theater, I did feel like it was the end of an era.  After all, I took the youngins to all of these things, ever since Episode 1: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Franchise.  I even read some of the books to the kids, until they got way to friggin’ long (the book, not the kids).  I think I gave up at Harry Potter and the Goblet of Why the Hell Am I Still Reading This?

Today, I really do just want Potter purged from my brain.  I’ll just shotgun a pounder of ale while someone yells “stupefy” …that should do the trick.  My family feels the same way.  It ended at a good time.  And now it’s like that Samuel L. Jackson moment, “Get these mother f&^*ing Snapes out of our mother f&^%ing brains!”  I really am washing my hands of Hogwarts.  Hell, this took longer than it did to get my own degree, albeit barely.   I’m glad to finally graduate.  It can’t hurt my chances of employment in this climate… but I never did pass Defense against the dark farts.

In some ways, I think Harry Potter was a bit dark for a children’s thingie, and whereas the movies were generally enjoyable, this last installment was one of the best.  It was a fitting finale. So if you haven’t seen it, I encourage you to do so.  Just don’t bother submitting your admission ticket to Mr. Winslow.  He won’t reimburse you.  Have I mentioned he’s a bastard?

Winslow says he wants proper conclusion/summary paragraphs to wrap up these things.  So, in closing, I believe each movie in the Harry Potter series was worth watching, but, honestly, they’re not movies I would ever watch a second time…more like 4 to 5 hundred times!  I’m afraid that’s part of the job description for being a parent in the early twenty-first century.   What’s stranger still about the series is this: I have watched them 4 to 5 hundred times, each, and even read some of the books, yet I still find myself lost at times.  I guess I need to sign up for some remedial Potter classes.  Is there tutoring available for those learning disabled wizards among us?  Never mind, 4 to 5 hundred more showings and I’ll have this bitch down. 

Oh, and Mr. Winslow wants to end all movie reviews with a Discord original closer, like “We’ll save you the aisle seat” or “We’ll see you at the movies.”  

Er, how about, “We’ll leave the light on for you.”  No.   Hmmm.   How about, “We’ll wing some Good & Plentys at the back of your head, bitches.”  I believe the Ghetto Shaman would approve. 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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