Washington, DC—President Obama announced his affinity toward atheism today and then denounced God’s record, both Biblical and present, as being “reckless and shortsighted.” Obama told the press, “Let’s face it, our Savior is a douche. The Pope’s recent unwillingness to condemn Syria’s use of chemical weapons and God’s recent watery assault on the Rockies is unacceptable. I would expect this kind of shit from Allah, but not from an American deity.”
Secretary of State, John Kerry, added, “Over the parables God has proven himself to be a ruthless, merciless zealot, who must be stopped! Why wait for this diabolical fiend to arbitrarily smite again?”
Whereas Kerry and Obama both acknowledge the statute of limitation has run out on God’s more Biblical shenanigans, they make a compelling case that God’s lofty lair is clearly a danger to the civilized world.
“God makes Assad look like a boy scout,” said Obama. “We know God has used rain, plagues, insects, and a form of high-yield brimstone condemned by the Geneva Conventions. We are not going to sit by idly while God uses these weapons of Sunday-mass destruction, penned in his own hand in Revelations, to end countless innocent lives. The international community must act, or the United States will.”
The EU strongly condemns any military action against God, but the Pope hasn’t made up his mind yet.
“I admit it’s a grey area,” said the Pope.