Chandeleur Islands, LA—British Petroleum spokesperson, Peter Metcalfe, added, “In the grand scheme of things, the final episode of Lost will prove more significant to the average U.S. citizen than our little mishap. Is turning the Gulf waters into the Gulf oils really such a big deal? Look, sure we bought the cheaper valve and, sure, we purchase most of our parts from the Off Shore Drilling Barn—well, the one’s we don’t get from Ronco—but what were we supposed to do? Our profits were down to nearly a thousand percent! Mr. Burns is very critical of such wasteful spending.”

Mr. Burns added, “Killing off entire ecosystems is always an opportunity for the surviving species…like oil men, for instance. Smithers, release the grease gobbling monkeys!”