Why Didn’t They Handout Aluminum Foil Hats at CPAC? an Oversight?

Mick Zano

It seems impossible to keep republicans from invading the wrong country when they’re in power, or derailing peace talks when they’re not. The resulting damage is becoming insurmountable. Republicans also continue to hinder our economic recovery in the name of freedom. I know that doesn’t make any sense. That’s my point.

Say what you want about the Dems, but as for The GOP I haven’t seen a bunch this misguided since that comet chasing cult in the 90s. Halle-GOPP?

Dean Obeidallah over at the Beast interviewed a psychiatrist about The GOP and found:

“Republicans have a masochistic relationship with the media (that can be described as) self-defeating personality disorder. They have learned that the way to connect to other people is through their suffering, through doing just the thing that will bring them ridicule or pain.”

—Dr. Foehl

Bieber Cyrus 2016

Dr. Foehl believes this group thrives on negative attention. Hey, maybe this is how the GOP can win the future.

Foehl is focusing on the tendency of The GOP to ever gravitate toward a series of self-inflicted wounds, like the War on Women, the War on Immigrants, the War on Voters. Roll up your sleeves, Congressman, I want to check for austerity cuts.

This is certainly part of their 2016 problems, but there’s an even more important theme emerging; there’s a growing consensus in the field of psychiatry that The GOP is increasingly reality impaired. Swaths of our citizens are disappearing into the paranoia realms, which may only be good news for the makers of Reynolds Wrap.

As far as specifics, the only thing I agree with Dr. F on is that they suffer primarily from an Axis-II personality disorder, which is the most difficult to correct or treat. Compounding the problem, Ikea is out of Wyoming-sized psychiatrist couches. Even if one arrives many republicans won’t be eligible for the help because their state blocked Medicaid expansion. More of Foehl’s masochism? I like my diagnosis better, here. Whereas I’m not a doctor I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Zano Holiday Inn

I find republicans have an astounding confirmation bias, an inherent rigidity of thought, and an inability to accurately interpret new information. This phenomenon clearly exists on the left as well, but it’s far more subtle and less debilitating. Chris Mooney, citing some neuroscience, explains:

“Reasoning is actually suffused with emotion. Not only are the two inseparable, but our positive or negative feelings about people, things, and ideas arise much more rapidly than our conscious thoughts.”

Chris Mooney

You can’t reason with folks when reason is no longer on the menu. I would like to identify when I defend the indefensible, which is Pokey McDooris’ new job. Speaking of which, my Obama criticism homework assignment will go up next week. Yet whereas I still make the occasional retraction, the right—the poster children for neurological failings—remain almost completely incapable of this function. Although I admit that if Fox News started making retractions it would interfere with much of their regular programming.

Fox and Friends will not be seen today so that we may bring you our retractions from yesterday’s Fox and Friends.

Whereas the left has identified your Rumsfelds and your Cheney’s as sociopaths (see The Dish coverage), the problem is much more pervasive. The republican tent is lousy with them. Sociopaths are less likely to move through the liberal ranks as they tend to be more easily flagged. The reward system of might makes right and super capitalism is breeding a monster disparity of wealth and a sociopathic epidemic. I already covered our sociopathic CEO’s here.

Haggerty recently delved into three hours of Fox News a day for a month. Not recommended. This is a trained journalist. Don’t try this at home.

“Fox and its friends seem to have become so influential and all-encompassing that it is actually creating an entirely separate version of reality in the minds of its most loyal viewers, one that with increasing frequency doesn’t match reality.

—John Haggerty

Zano bait:

“The government shutdown demonstrated that the Tea Partiers are, for the most part, delusional rather than irrational: They can be forced to reconsider a particular tactic if you persuade them it’s politically catastrophic. It just requires an epic level of public anger to break through their epistemically-stunted consciousness”

—Noam Schieber

Schieber goes on to explain how Obama’s attempt to placate terrorists was a mistake. Yeah…I know, you heard this stuff years ago…on a certain spoof news site.

Should republicans take the senate in the midterms some wonks see a bright spot; they believe it would force republicans to actually govern. I don’t think we should ever reward bad behavior, nothing good will come from it. Luckily it’s not going to happen.

And, as for 2016, we cannot allow a group of people functioning on a level of consciousness on par with the kids who just got dropped off at the bus stop to run our military. Wait, I’m being told they aren’t on the bus today; they got detention…Oh…I’m being told they thought one crayon pack per student was socialism so they’re holding their teacher at gunpoint.

If Palin is still your 2016 darling (full story here) all the defunding of education in the world isn’t going save your party. The GOP will likely pick up some seats in the midterms but they’ll still be well below historical expectations and then moving forward this party is….

GOP Toast

Good thing they cheated to keep the House, eh? Even Boehner has reached his limit:

“For two days running, Boehner, has made clear that he’s heard just about enough from conservative advocacy groups such as the Heritage Foundation, Americans for Prosperity and Freedomworks. On Wednesday, he called them ‘ridiculous.’ On Thursday, he said ‘they’ve lost all credibility.’”

Frank James

Great, the civil war is in full swing and CPAC did not purge the looneys. If you purge all of looneys from the GOP this is what you’re left with:

Empty Room

And through it all Fox New still has their viewers eating out of the palm of their Hannitys. The only reason the GOP isn’t called to the carpet is because they reside in an ideological unfinished basement. Could you imagine what we could be focusing on, what we could be accomplishing without them? It’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Midterm Night’s Dream? Much ado About Taxing? No? Okay I’ll work on that one.

I have never in my lifetime wanted a super majority for either party, but anything, anything the Dems do would be better than having a republican in office. If their slogan is “a chicken filled with pot in every oven” –Hillary 2016. Wonderful! If Hillary even goes all Oprah on us and says, “Look under your seats America, you each own a car!!!” Bring it! I need a new one anyway.

“I think Republicans will not win again in my lifetime for the presidency unless they become a new GOP, a new Republican Party.”

—Rand Paul, GOP frontrunner

Of course, you know where you heard that first, but keep ignoring me. In fact, I insist.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.