Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.
Obama told the press today, “Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case.”
The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.
“Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate,” said Obama. “Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly.”
The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.
“Just sayin’,” said Obama, “that was some crazy ass shit.”