Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred

Barnes Aint Noble or Right Says Fred
Mick Zano

This is just a rant, albeit a funny one, so sorry ahead of time. In a recent Weekly Standard article, Fred Barnes begged the question, “Will the press ever give Obama tough coverage?” The answer is sure…just as soon as Obama does something that doesn’t make any sense in response to the worst economic crisis in a century. For endless examples of things that wouldn’t make sense, try any Fred Barnes article.

Mr. Barnes is calling this “new normal” an “excuse” and the list of GOP complaints, as usual, involves unemployment rates, increases in food stamps, etc. and so what. I’m still amazed Obama avoided a double-dip recession. Aren’t you…and, if not, why? By now we should all be driving around the wasteland in rogue caravans searching for petrol. Wasn’t that the last GOP nomination’s platform? The GOP: Beyond Thunderdumb? I loved that movie…and the nomination.

Did you know the U.S. is recovering faster from the Great Recession than any other industrialized country? No? Who needs the truth when this false narrative is so much fun, right? Economists still predict it will take a decade or more to recover from your last president, and I still predict we won’t ever fully recover. Hell, it’s worse than the aftermath of the Christmas party tequila incident (CPTI). Our situation is also complicated by a struggling global economy, a lack of professional hockey games, and a looming zombie apocalypse. The fact y‘all think you’re going to fix this through a combination of stupidity and a lack of any economic prowess is interesting. Our current gradual recovery is—and always has been—our best case scenario…well, by all rational accounts. This would be the case whether we had a smart guy in office, or one of your ilk, Fred.

Would a near immediate collapse under Romney have shut you up? Naaah. The Bubble is impervious to reality. That’s why I simply address their extreme cognitive dysfunction (ECD), so centuries from now when virtual alien archeologists find my blog, they’ll know we had important spoof news on this doomed planet.

Fred is also against the Chuck Hagel nomination for Secretary of Defense, which is another good reason to give Chuck the nod. Hagel is another adult decision and adult decisions have no place in today’s politics. If he gets the nomination, he will rock. He’s like one of ten respectable Republicans left (last of the Chuckhicans?). You really should nurture those, they’re like the Javan rhino, nearly …oh wait, I’m being told the rhino’s extinct. Never mind. Smart elephants are next.

The name of the Barnes article in question is The Four-Year Honeymoon. Sorry, but Obama deserves much, much longer. Do you understand the historical context of his arrival? I always wondered why Fred Barnes seemed so impervious to bad press. His partner in crime, William Krystol, is known for getting things wrong, yet his views are almost indistinguishable from any other Foxeteer (Barnes included). I should have went with Barnes & Ignoble. Damn, is it too late? I wish I could learn Microsoft Word. It’s on my bucket list. And some day, Mr. Winslow, I won’t be sending my submissions to you on badly stained bar coasters either. Some day.

Anyway, so folks like William Krystol and Dick Morris are simply scapegoats for a wider problem, namely your political views. In other words, if those two are always wrong and Republican ideology is built on their bullshit, then let’s do the…oh wait, they don’t believe in math. Is this part of Bush’s No Lemming Left Behind program?

“No, trust me, trust me. That lemming bringing up the rear, he’s legit, honest.”

Here’s more Fred,

“To my recollection, Obama is the first president to instill coverage anxiety, conscious or unconscious.”

Stop trying to recollect. None of you are any good at it. Obama does instill a certain respect, but most of this phenomenon relates directly to his addle-minded predecessor. Obama does appear almost God-like, next to a bumbling war criminal. Who wouldn’t? Oh right…any recent Republican candidate. Sorry. Did you know they tape those primaries? That’s not going to help your shelf life, peeps.

Then Fred—out of the total blue—makes a rare point. Right in the middle of the article! Where you would least expect it.

Basically he whined how when Bushie Jr. broke the Constitution he was slammed with criticism, yet Obama can expand drone strikes and warrantless wiretapping without so much as a peep from the press…er, of course I already made this point on The Daily Discord as far back as 2008. I found this quote from a related post.

“He (Obama) is using Bush’s expansion of executive power effectively. I wish last week he’d rolled back provisions of the Patriot Act, but I knew he wouldn’t…no one likely ever will. This was predictable, er….which is why I predicted it back in 2008.”

—Mick Zano

Who didn’t see this coming? Oh yeah…anyone of you. But I’ll tell you what, Fred, as soon as one of your idiots wields such power, I will spend more time covering it. I recently started an entire post on this subject but it remains unfinished. Why? I’ve written at least ten other articles on the train wreck that is the GOP. There’s always something Fox News is doing to trump any real discourse. This has been one of my chief complaints.

The crux of this partial post was this: I support the drone program, but the process for the death list needs to be more open and subject to checks and balances. But Fred, where was your outrage when our Constitution was actually being gutted? Besides, this is a real valid complaint so it has no place in a Weekly Standard article. You want news? Turn to The Daily Discord. This e-rag was never intended to be a news outlet, but it sure beats the best the GOP has to offer.

People have fewer complaints now, right or wrong, because Obama’s handling this expansion of executive power competently. When W. repeatedly sent all those drones into that orphanage, it was terrible. To be clear, Obama is dead wrong to expand warrantless wire tapping and widen the use of a drone program without accountability. And the liberal media should be covering this. You are correct, Fred, but it’s suspicious that you’re only now identifying these as problems. Maybe you’re not ignorant, you’re just evil. It’s kind of one or the other on that side of the aisle. The rest are in hiding.

The GOP keeps sucking in all the journalistic energy like a singulhannity. Hawking discovered this cosmic event using NASA’s rover Animosity. It stopped sending any data back almost immediately aside from a robotic Bronx cheer. Money well spent.

As for Obama’s mistakes, Fred claims, “The list is long.” Really? Actually, you need a Republican president to generate a long list of scandals. Obama’s list of conspiracies is Short & Spurious. Most of it will not make the history books, except to say, “Guess what these people thought?” (hint: that will be a long section).

Back to Fred’s “logic”:

“Both the Fast and Furious gunrunning scandal and the Benghazi killings would have led to months of stories, investigative reports, and outraged commentary. But the media proved to be largely incurious in Obama’s case.” [Incurious George joke omitted by the editors].”

Ummm, no, no they wouldn’t have. If you recollect, Fred, we were on a “Bush scandal of the week” pace.

“Cheney’s downloading Google, in its entirety!”

“Wait! Forget that shit, Bush is kicking Red Cross out of Guantanamo!”

“Wait!”

We didn’t have months? We didn’t have flipping hours on a good week. If we really could have spent months on a Bush scandal that would have been glorious…the inglorious bastard.

Besides, we heard about the Obama “scandals” for years, not months. It’s on something called Fox News and, with all the time they had to cover it, I still don’t know what the F&^K they are talking about! Fast and Furious is a scandal, albeit a mini-scandal, as the program was started under Bush. Look, as Obama stepped into the sheer stratosphere high pile of shit Bush left him, I garun-flipping-tee you, this was not even on his radar.

“Uhh, let’s not worry about the two wars and the global economic collapse, tell me again about this Bush gun running program.”

Yeah, right. You know what happened six months into the Bush Administration? 9-FUCKING-11, that’s what!! (hint: more than one person died). But the gun killed him, really, not the person. That person, smuggling Twinkies, would have otherwise lobbed drug paraphernalia and empty beer bottles at that border agent. That’s the cartels weapon of choice. (Semi-automatic whippets?)

Can you get less insightful from here? Is that even possible? Sure, it’s entertaining, but it’s getting kind of scary. Benghazi could impact Hillary’s 2016 run, and it’s not something she’s likely to put on her resume, but otherwise, give me a break. Here’s the foreign policy score card:

Successes:

Obama: killed bin Laden, decimated Al-Qaeda, ended War in Iraq

Bush: None

Failures:

Obama: Embassy overrun in Benghazi, not closing Guantanamo

Bush: 9/11, Iraq War, Afghan War, which culminated in a tanked economy, Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, torture, indefinitely suspending Habeas Corpus for American citizens (the other 17 pages omitted for space’s sake).

I’m not trying to make light of the embassy situation, but would you people learn something called perspective? Three deaths vs. tens of thousands? Jesus, there’s nowhere to go but down from here, is there? Oh shit…I said it. I threw it out into the ether and now….dah, dah, duuuum. Enter the next news cycle.

Then Mr. Barnes makes another hackneyed Sandy/Katrina comparison. Umm, Chris Christie’s ire was primarily directed at our Republican Congress. His discussion of GOP’s “toxic internal politics” here. The GOP is the most culpable in this matter. Forgot that part, huh? (Hint: if something goes wrong, look to the GOP. It’s a much safer bet, historically speaking. Well, no, there was that one thing…no wait. That was them too). And, yes, your team lost Hagel and you lost Christy. You are down to David Frum and parts of Charles Krauthammer. What? The parts he still has. Good luck with that.

And some day, Mr. Barnes, if you eat your Wheaties and you read a little more Zano, you too may have something called insight, groovy stuff. I should warn you, though, showing any insight means you will be immediately ejected from your tent.

Here’s Fred’s last “point”:

“What if Bush had claimed in speech after speech that Democrats who opposed his policies were putting ‘party before country’? The media response to an insinuation that Democrats were unpatriotic would have been along the lines of, ‘How dare the president make such a dastardly claim!’ But repeated mentions of ‘party before country’ by Obama have been treated as perfectly acceptable.”

Please listen again to The News Room’s comparison of the Tea Party to the Taliban. The history books are going to parrot Obama on this premise 100%. History will nail you people to the proverbial cross…er, except it was removed by the American Atheists of America. Damn you, joke stealing non-believers! This could trigger the War on Groaners.

The GOP and the Tea Party are not interested in America, they are interested in themselves. The damage they’re doing to our ongoing recovery efforts—despite their significant role in our demise—is staggering. Luckily, President Obama continues to guide us around the shoals and pointy rocks. If he can pull this shit off without a depression it will be nothing short of a miracle (hint: try helping instead of hindering). The cash you save may be your own.

“You’ll find out when you reach the top, you’re on the bottom”

—Bob Dylan

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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