Washington, DC—Despite every effort to displace the incumbent, Romney’s political advisors were not happy with his chances to win the election. That all changed when they discovered an overlooked voting demographic, the Undead (not of the Mormon variety).
When asked to elaborate on this new strategy, Romney’s ‘Special Projects’ lead, Vincent Drake, had this to say: “We aren’t pulling any tricks here. These are all registered undead voters. If you’re a registered voter and you can pull the lever, then you can vote. We have had some issues with limbless zombies or some losing their hands in the machine, but that’s the price we’re willing to pay to save this country for the wealthiest one percent.”
When asked if voter I.D. laws will negatively impact the zombie vote, Drake replied, “Yeah, most of them don’t have wallets, let alone picture I.D. And, being dead an all, it would be hard to tell if you have the same person anyway. Hell, some may even accidentally vote for Obama. It’s not perfect, but we do hope some liberal voters will be eaten in the process. Then guess who they’re voting for?”
The Obama campaign is hitting back with their, Operation Head Shot, which aims to eliminate some of these Republican supporters.
Romney’s camp responded to that program today. “That’s voter suppression at its worst. It’s just like you leftist tree hugging, welfare mom loving, gay sex having, drug taking, anti-firearm scum! The undead have rights too, you prejudiced bastards. It’s always Breathers First with you people. You’re discriminating against decomposers! You liberals make me sick…right down to my exposed and dangling entrails.”
The Romney campaign is denying allegations they’re raising more of the dead to increase voter turnout.
“We aren’t using any necromancy, if that’s what you’re implying,” said Drake. “After all, Romney only has a few dozen necromancers on the payroll. Obama is probably too good to hire wizards who fiddle with dead bodies, which again proves he’s prejudice against the Life-Impaired.”
All of the undead from Vampires to Zombies apparently love Romney. Think of all the things they have in common:
- They both don’t care about human rights.
- Neither group wants to waste precious tax dollars keeping people alive through healthcare.
- Undead never get abortions.
- Zombies may rise out of their grave, but they’ll never raise your taxes.
- Both are soulless.
- Romney cannibalizes businesses for money, while zombies just cannibalize.
- Like the super-rich, vampires drain the life out of the living and leave them a weak impoverished husk.
- Much like Republicans, the undead love a nice drawn out war, “mmm, battlefield victims.”
- Both use only the primitive reptilian parts of the brain.
- Both advocate for mindless consumerism.
Local stalwart, Jack Primus, had this to say, “Romney sucks the life out of everything he touches and he wants to leave our country a desolate wasteland, where the uber-rich hide in gated communities while the rest of us fight for scraps. Every election cycle the Republicans present worse and worse candidates. I thought no one could be dumber or fouler than W, but then Palin reared her diabolical head. Now Romney makes her look like a philanthropist who takes in orphans during food drives. What next Jeffrey Dahmer 2016! Soylent Green in every pot!”
So, as you can see, the Romney campaign might just be getting the shot in the arm they need and just like Reanimator their election hopes could be rising from the dead to take a big bite out of Obama’s chances.