Port-au-Prince, Haiti—Rescuers are calling off the hunt for survivors throughout Haiti as the people hauled out of the debris in the last few days are now choosing to return there in droves.

“It’s disheartening,” said an American soldier, who would only identify himself as Captain Steve Manning of 172 Fourth St., Bethesda, MD, “but, I must admit, conditions are somewhat better under several tons of concrete.”

“I’m going back in,” said one Haitian survivor.  “And I will not come out again until Conan O’Brien makes a decision!”

Oh, forget it.  Scratch this one, Winslow.  Go with the song I wrote: On the asphalt, the city asphalt, the Tiger sleeps at night.  I’m telling you, Winslow, we can milk this Tiger Woods thing for another three months.  Trust me on this one.  When have I let you down?  Well, besides the iTit bit and my last several submissions.