Granbury, TX—In a flurry of meteorological wrath, God unleashed hail, lightening, and high winds this week on predominately Republican neighborhoods as he looked on with his patented indifference.
“I don’t like the bastards,” explained God. “They’re hypocrites. Don’t say you’re doing shit in my name when you’re doing the exact opposite.”
When God was asked about the potential for going all ‘Noah flood’ or ‘Sodom and Gomorrah’ on their asses, God replied, “Noah options are off the table.” He then laughed at his own joke, loudly. “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, but I always target Tea Party and Republican neighborhoods. Square states are Darwin’s shooting range.”
When asked about ideological incompatibilities, God said, “I love Darwin, the monkey loving F&*K. But do not cut that Noah pun out, Winslow! I can still smite shit!”
When asked about the fairness of targeting entire towns for the poor behavior of a few, God said, “Sure you’re going to get some liberal collateral damage. There are known knowns, things we know that we know, known unknowns, Hah! Damn I miss Rumsfeld. Shame he’s heading south. Truth be told, I don’t really care for people in general. I believe I made that clear in the Old Testament.”
As an omnipotent being, God’s Rumsfeld quote makes little sense in the context of….Aaaaaaah!!