The Fourth Circle of Hell—Many are questioning the devil’s decision to host the first presidential debate. What’s even more disturbing for some is Lucifer’s choice to hold the event in the fourth circle. Dante’s Hell has a total of nine circles, and four bathrooms, but recent national polling indicates the majority of Americans feel the debate should be held in a much lower circle.
The Devil is defending his decision today. “People are judged when they die, so the living aren’t even authorized to be in hell,” said Lucifer. “I made an exception for these two only because I’ve been assured they will be relegated to my domain soon enough by you-know-who. Yeah …that noseless guy from those Potter films.”
The Devil agrees Trump is one of the superlative examples of greed, which is usually associated with the fourth circle. Hillary, meanwhile, may well have to answer for fraud and treachery in what the devil is calling a thousand more Benghazi hearings. “I’m going to get the late Matthew Breitbart to head those investigations,” said the Devil. “At least the first hundred or so. It’s going to be even more fun than that time I had Howard Taft eat the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.”
Senator John Q. Republican is calling for the impeachment of the Prince of Darkness. “The Devil is a Lucifer cannon, get it? Hah! Look, I understand evil as well as the next guy. I mean, I’m a Senator for the Republican party for Christ’s sake. It’s true… we claim to be on Jesus’s side. Hah! But this miscarriage of justice is ….actually, miscarriages happen all the time, because I got all the Planned Parenthoods closed in my district. What were we talking about?”
*Hat tip Alex Bone.