Trump Tower—The Trump campaign released several images today suggesting Hillary Clinton is increasingly using a body double during many of her public appearances while stomping on the campaign trail. “This is obviously an imposter,” said Trump. “The woman in these images looks much younger. Much younger. I would actually bang that one. It’s not even close. Not even close. This shows that Hillary is low energy. She’s still sick in bed and can’t even find a good makeup person to create a wrinkled old bag like herself. It’s sad. It’s sad.”
Trump Tower—The Trump campaign could not be happier as they attempt to spin their bad week into something decidedly more positive. Donald Trump explains, “During the John Kerry presidential run in, uh, back several years ago, Republicans had to find a number of people to lie about his war record. They made up a bunch of shit that helped get Bush elected. It worked, it worked. Now I don’t have to wait around just to get caught off guard. I’m out in front on this one. I just swiftboated myself with my own mouth. And why not? I don’t need people swiftboating for me, like Kerry. Weak, it was weak. I don’t outsource that shit. I took the initiative and pulled this off with numero uno, all while stepping in numero deuco. That’s called multi-tasking. I guess you can say I swiftly self-shitboated myself. Yeah, take that Trumped-up trickle down, bitch.”
CNN’s Moon Base—The first presidential debate is scheduled for tomorrow night on CNN. The fact-checkers for this much anticipated event are now concerned the 90-minutes allotted will prove “woefully inadequate for the task at hand.” The head of the commission of Presidential Debates, Janet Brown, is requesting 72-hours debate extension, complete with scheduled naps and bathroom breaks. The moderator of the debate, CNN’s Lester Holt, explains, “Since Donald Trump is a pathological liar this complicates our job tremendously. Sure most politicians lie, but if everything coming out of one of the debater’s mouths is utter nonsense, we’re going to need a lot more time to fact-check in real time. Otherwise Trump could win the debate without even mistakenly saying something accurate.”
Bill Maher is on record as stating, “Leave Real Time out of this, please.”
The Fourth Circle of Hell—Many are questioning the devil’s decision to host the first presidential debate. What’s even more disturbing for some is Lucifer’s choice to hold the event in the fourth circle. Dante’s Hell has a total of nine circles, and four bathrooms, but recent national polling indicates the majority of Americans feel the debate should be held in a much lower circle.