Hoover Dam, NV/AZ—A group of environmentalists have won a major court battle this week. Only two months after the opening of the seventh highest suspension bridge in the world, it must come down! The newly constructed Hoover Dam Bypass Bridge, with a price tag of over 240 million, is in the process of being dismantled to save a species of flying salmon indigenous to the Colorado River.
“When they built the bloody thing, planners did not take into consideration the flight plans and migratory habits of the flying salmon, volaticus pisces,” said Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Bistro. “Since the span’s completion, thousands of fish are flying into steel girders and cables, raining terror and sushi onto unsuspecting commuters below.”
Gambling addict Jake Johnson of Tempe, AZ has a different view.
“Yeah, well environmentalists haven’t taken into consideration the flight plans of people who want to get from Phoenix to the black jack tables.”
When asked directly, Mr. Johnson admitted the scaly projectiles are a problem.
“The last thing I want is to lose all my money in Vegas and then have a flying fucking mackerel bouncing off my windshield on the way home…damn, flying fucking fish.”
The state of Arizona tried to work out a compromise with the environmentalists by dangling a sixty-foot silver fishing hook from the span, a move designed to disrupt the salmon’s normal flight path. But, at the end of the day, commuters lost and the volaticus pisces won. Flying fucking fish.