IRS: Incessant Republican Scandals

Mick Zano

What’s the latest 501(C) ruling? Is there a link from the IRS to Obama? Is there a link between The GOP and reality? Does it consist of a rainbow bridge comprised of fairy dust and glitter? Yes, but only USDA prime-choice glitter…as “fairy” dust is generally frowned upon.

The right is going nuts that the real media is covering this very real Christie scandal. Brent Bozell is raging, “The liberal media has already spent 17 times as much time on Christie’s problem as Obama’s scandals!”

Dear GOP,

Christie’s problem rates a 6 out of 10. If it’s linked to him directly it’s a game ending 10.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. All of Obama’s scandals combined don’t quite reach a 6, but thank you for playing.

It’s not that the real media is protecting Obama, they just don’t understand your scandals. Hint: your chief ingredient is always bullshit.

As for the IRS, let’s play the devil’s auditor for a moment. If you run the IRS and you have a series of tools—annoying, yet legal tools—designed to find out whether or not a group is deserving of some tax free status and, said group is bent on ending your agency’s very existence, wouldn’t you bring all of these tools to bear?

Dear GOP,

Yes…yes you would.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. In fact, you would employ obstructionist and often counterproductive measures beyond your legal tools. You know, the kind that actually F-shit up more (See: Congress).

As for my review of the existing facts, I don’t think the audit filters the IRS used to check the tax exempt status for those Tea Party groups is surprising or illegal. Of course, any intentional delays to offering this tax exempt status to certain groups is harder to defend.

Here’s a wonderful Fox News article: Five Reasons the IRS Scandal Won’t Go Away. I would love to read that…and, by love, I mean forced to watch all The Twilight movies for eternity. What I did glean from The Google was this: the main problem regarding political non-profits is that the law itself is not clearly defined. So the latest 501 (C) (that passed last week) makes changes designed to tighten this law to prevent such targeting:

“In an aggressive move designed to crack down on free-spending outside political groups, the Obama administration is proposing strict new rules curtailing nonprofits like Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS and the pro-Obama Priorities USA.”

Byron Tau, Politico

So there’s a cracking down on all non-profits linked to political candidate related activity. I don’t think anyone saw that coming. Oh wait, here’s my post a few weeks after this “scandal” broke.

“Here’s my prediction for how the IRS will ‘fix’ their problem. They will increase scrutiny on progressive groups seeking tax exempt status as well. That’s it. Wow. Thanks!”

—Mick Zano

I predicted some increased, and quite legal, scrutiny for all. Deep stuff. …uh…Impeach!

Here’s a good anti-IRS rant on the matter from Executive Branch Review. They feel the IRS should just stay out of the political endorsement business entirely. I am not in disagreement. This is a cluster, yet a non-Obama-related-cluster (NORC).

Fun Fact: in Middle Earth hordes of NORCs often lay siege to castles.

So to summarize:

The current 501 (C) ruling = increased scrutiny for all politically affiliated non-profits.

The rational conservative position = no political groups get these tax exempt statuses, period.

Fine with me. Let’s have that debate. But, there’s always this third group and their third way approach to any given topic. As for the impeach Obama/scandal group, who cares what they think? They can never seem to actually grasp the nature of the problem, let alone offer any valid solutions.

So, basically, it was always legal and now with 501(C) it’s more clearly legal. If it wasn’t legal, explain to me why? Oh, you can’t. If it’s linked to Obama, explain how? Oh you can’t. Oh…you just want to keep this going anyway. Okay.

Here’s another Fox News gem:

Is the end near for the IRS?

Let me think, No.

Is the end near for the Republican Party?

Let me think, Yes.

Okay, okay, I’ll read that first Fox IRS article, again here.

[scene missing, Complete with fear, loathing, and micro brews]

Oh god, I can’t even make it through Mr. Seklow’s first line:

“Let’s be honest. It’s hard to concentrate on more than one scandal at a time.”

This should read: Let’s be honest, it’s hard to keep all of our bullshit talking points straight.

Lest we forget the rest of that first sentence:

“…and the ObamaCare meltdown could be the most consequential government policy failure in modern American history.”

[another scene missing as I threw up in my mouth a little bit]

So here is my summary of Sucklow’s five reasons we need to keep talking about this shit, or The World According to GOP:

1. It is ongoing!

Conservative groups are still not getting their tax exempt status! It’s still happening! The IRS still sucks and stuff! Meanwhile, this was apparently The IRS under Bush:

Disney IRS

2. It goes right to the top!

We were told these actions were implemented by low level IRS employees, but it goes right to the top! Except Sekulow fails to mention any facts, details, sources, information, quotes, links…er, but it goes to the top! Yes, to the top of the talking point memo sent to all Fox News anchors and hosts. What republicans are trying desperately to do is build a bridge to the top of the IRS and then over to the White House. What they often end up with is a Senator Steven’s style bridge to nowhere.

“If a connection is found, Obama is in big trouble. That is not the case today, nor am I predicting a connection will be made. But that won’t stop the GOP.”

Mick Zano, 5/20/13

3. Post investigations, the IRS has been shown to be corrupt, incompetent, and mean-spirited. This is news? …well, to people who have lived underground for the last several generations.

Hey, I want to invite the IRS to my cave party
Hey, I want to invite the IRS to my cave party

4. This was not low level, it goes straight to the top!

Sadly, yes, it’s kind of just like number two (on so many levels). I guess his editor insisted on five fictional reasons and he only birthed four. This “point” led to a 2nd Sekulow article, Obama’s Fingerprints are All Over the IRS Scandal.

So I read that turd as well. Sekulow’s only source in this second article is himself! His whole argument stems from Obama saying, “The Tea Party is a threat to democracy,” which was apparently a wink to have the IRS “do the deed.”

Nudge, Nudge, Wink Wink
Nudge, Nudge, Wink Wink

I agree with the President here. For some recent Tea Party atrocities see: the government shutdown, the sequester, America’s lowered bond status rating, or my favorite summary: The Tea Party is America’s Taliban.

Hint: this may come as a shock to Fox viewers, but telling the truth is not an impeachable offense.

5. The IRS targeting scandal is directly relevant to the mother of all policy disasters, ObamaCare.

This one sounds like it was faxed in from Glenn Beck’s headquarters after he snorted all the chalk in the room and sniffed all his Sharpies. Apparently government healthcare is related to taxing, which is related to the IRS, which is related to Beelzebub, which is related to sex with animals, which could lead to sweater vests.

Reality Check: ObamaCare is originally a republican cost containment approach designed to contain some cost. I know, scary stuff for the fiscally and factually impaired.

So, much like Benghazi, we have learned next to nothing since the day this shit broke. So here’s the real five reasons this scandal won’t go away:

1. Fox News

2. Fox News

3. Fox News

4. Bullshit

5. Matt Drudge

Rinse, blather, repeat.

Here’s a simple trick to deal with republican bullshit, just put some variation of: because it’s not illegal after every headline. Watch:

FBI has contacted few Tea Party groups eight months since IRS scandal broke

…because it’s not illegal

CNN All But Ignores IRS Scandal

…because it’s not illegal.

Is the IRS the Worst Scandal in U.S History? 

No…because it’s not illegal.

See? And if that doesn’t work try No….because it’s not linked to Obama in any way.

Will the Tea Party IRS Scandal Get Obama Impeached?

No….because it’s not linked to Obama in any way.

Will the IRS scandal bring down Obama?

No….because it’s not linked to Obama in any way.

Wow, that was arduous, a traveling with Frodo to Mordor kind of arduous, although I do enjoy 2nd breakfast as much as the next guy. So what have we learned? Nothing I didn’t already know about the IRS or the gullibility of your average Foxeteer. And, if Bush was the Decider, I’m the Prognosticator so let me offer one more prediction before I bail.

I sense this post is ending.

Nailed it again!

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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