Philadelphia, PA—CEO of The Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, was shocked and saddened the Mayan Apocalypse of December 21st turned out so lame. “We had nothing planned after Friday except a lot of screaming and dodging debris,” said Winslow.
The Discord’s guru, The Ghetto Shaman, had the staff convinced DMT was going to be flooding the world’s pineal glands. “It’s hard to prepare material for that kind of eventuality,” said Winslow.
Contributor Alex Bone said, “The Shaman’s whole hallucinogens-pineal gland thing sounded cool, until I realized the pineal gland is in the brain. He said machine elves were going to trigger a magnetic pole reversal by surfing some galactic super wave, or something. He always sounds so legit when he’s detoxing off shit.”
Most of the Discord staff remains missing at this hour and no material is on deck. “The well is dry,” said Winlsow. “We are going to have to recycle old stuff or just blatantly steal shit from The Onion. Area Man blah, blah, blah.”
The Ghetto Shaman was last seen heading to Sedona, AZ, where he planned to climb aboard a spaceship by jumping off the top of Bell Rock. Field Reporter, Cokie McGrath, said, “It’s worse than that time he dropped all that acid and tried to catch a ride on the comet Hale-Bopp.”
McGrath went on to explain, “Alex Bone was arrested after laying siege to Flagstaff’s City Hall ahead of the arrival of his lord Yig. Apparently, the serpent god slithered out of the deal and is now refusing to post bail. And no one has heard from Zano since the Christmas party tequila incident. Speaking of which, everyone at the party tried using ‘the world is ending’ bit to get down my pants. Just like last year.”