Tampa, FL—God is reportedly “very unhappy” with Republican values, which he feels have reached almost oxymormon levels. “That’s not a typo,” said God. “It’s a Romney Mormon joke, heh, heh. That one killed ‘em in Nazareth. No, I’m sick of the GOP. They’re getting what they deserve.”
Tampa Mayor, Bob Buckhorn, feels God is “raining on his parade” and demanded God send Moses to part the hurricane’s tidal surge, so this important convention could proceed as scheduled. Buckhorn also added, “Stop being such an omni-buttinsky!” and later, “Why don’t you say that shit to my face, bitch?!”
God responded with a targeted storm surge that swept the Mayor and his family out to sea, where they are presumably damp.
God said, “Look, I turned Isaac west. This was more intended as a warning shot across the bow kind of thing, or a time out. I didn’t want to derail the entire convention, but maybe shorten it a bit. You have to understand, I’m omnipresent, so I have to sit through this entire fucking thing.”
When asked about dropping the F-bomb, God said, “I’m also omnipotent so by definition I don’t make retractions.” Then God recited an excerpt from what he called the Gospel of Isaac. “God will show no mercy!”
Biblical scholars believe God meant to say the Gospel of Isaiah, and he kind of reversed the meaning of the original quote a bit.
God reiterated his ‘no retractions ever’ policy using five of George Carlin’s Words You Can Never Say on TV…quite creatively. He then warned if the GOP didn’t “wise up”, he would make Sodom and Gomorrah look like a Snooki tirade.