Rove V World

Mick Zano

The human brain has billions of neurons working in harmony through both chemical and electrical messages—each neuron is in sync, each one is informed, instructed, and orchestrated in an unparalleled fashion. How has the GOP so completely shutdown such a magnificent machine?

Before we hail the Obama victory, just how did 57 million people vote for Romney? Is this bubble really popping? I doubt it. Let’s focus on those dubious days leading up to the election, particularly, the whirlwind of drivel bandying about the internet. I joined We Survived Bush. You’ll Survive Obama and NewsBusters on Facebook (one D one R). I am not suggesting these are journalistic sites, but the social site meme is interesting. Even in the trenches, the Right clearly won the “screw reality” award. The Republicans ongoing cognitive dissonance is legendary, and who better to identify discordant ideas than The Daily Discord?

The “information” from NewsBusters and their ilk fall into three general categories:

Tactic 1: Total Bullshit:

Also known as “we already invented an imaginary narrative”, let’s simply repeat it ad infinitum until people believe it. These are falsehoods dressed as subjectivity. For example, this showed up from NewsBusters on 11/4:

“A former aid to VP Biden has written a ‘tell all’ book. Hmm… is Biden an even bigger idiot in private?”

—Jodi Miller

If you ask half the country if they think Joe Biden is a walking idiot, you will receive a resounding yes. Fox News and Drudge repeat this underlying theme over and over again. Is Biden gaffe prone? Yes. Is he a blowhard? Yes. Is he dumb? Hell no. He’s one of our most informed VPs in recent history. Dick Cheney, meanwhile, was an evil genius. Folks outside the bubble can differentiate between smart and dumb, good and evil, regardless of their political affiliation.

Take Jon Kyl for instance, one of AZ’s Republican senators…no really take him. I think he’s leaving anyway. This man is a barely literate bumbling fool. In an effort to help bring along a smaller government, he even started the Politician’s Name Shortening Initiative and then promptly changed his name from John Kyle to Jon Kyl. Yeah, he’s that dumb. I have heard this man speak on many occasions and there’s simply no other conclusion one can draw. But, his Republican partner in crime, John McCain, is clearly an intelligent man. Sure he picked Palin, but only to pursue his dream of joining the Mile High Club on Air Force One…in style (the taking of Palin 123? Wait, that was a train, wasn’t it?).

Meanwhile, the GOP defines everyone on the left as dumb and wrong. They can’t distinguish a Jon Kyl from a John McCain. Oh wait, Senator Kyl talked him into his initiative, so now it’s Jon Mcain. By the same token, the Right can’t seem to tell the difference between a Rosie O’Donnell and a Barack Obama. They are liberal, so they are both dumb. They seem devoid of even basic observational skills. Obama and Biden are not dumb, period. If they are so dumb why did they win every debate? …er, well the ones they showed up for. So it stands to reason your guys are dumber, right? Oh wait, reason is another liberal conspiracy. Of the last twelve presidential debates the GOP won only two of them! And the other one was Cheney wielding a 17% approval rating. This tally is not a coincidence. It’s meant to be an intervention.

Tactic 2: A Barrage of Bullshit that Sounds Important:

It’s like discussing the overall deficit numbers without discussing the policies that created it. The Examiner recently broke down our costly Republican policies here. It’s utter hypocrisy to blame Obama for every dime of the last five trillion. History certainly won’t.

Three days before the election the image below was sent to me on Facebook via NewsBusters—a group busy busting news into tiny shards of sensationalism. Hey, that’s our job! I usually read what NewsBusters sends me, but it almost invariably doesn’t make any sense.

A Tale of Two Economies

So they are comparing the economy at the end of the first Bush Administration to the end of the first Obama Administration? Gazillions chimed in how damning these numbers were to the President. Do I need to explain this? Okay, let’s activate your dormant hippocampuses for a moment. Let’s try to remember something called recent history. This graph skips the whole Bush Depression. Bush started with a surplus in 2000, Obama started with a shit storm that makes Sandy seem like a librarian’s fart. In fact, there is no meaningful comparison. In 2004 Bush was still blowing through the last of the Clinton surplus by invading the wrong country. Remember? Tell you what, four years from now let’s compare the last Bush day V the last Obama day. That will be damning all right (Hint: not for Obama).

The GOP has created all these false narratives and has successfully built an entire ideology on a tower of false assumptions. One key example, they rank Obama’s presidency as “the worst ever.” If you talk to any Foxeteer they will all say, in unison, “Definitely, without question, Obama is the worst ever!” They say this even though historians and scholars still rank him highly. The Right seems to have blocked out the whole W thing (cognitive Busshonance?). At least when I lost eight years I called it college.

“Hey, if you don’t stop talking about Bush, how can we reinstitute his mind-numbingly destructive policies?”

—Mitt Romney

Umm, that’s actually why I keep mentioning him, Mitt. Check out the same list to see where scholars rank W (hint: he looks up to Nixon). I don’t think Bush is even going to be eligible for one of those Futurama head tanks. The Right has a selective memory bordering on a dissociative disorder…well, it does explain why Romney kept channeling Sybil on every issue.

Tactic 3: Take a Kernel of Truth and Make Popcorn:

This is what showed up four days before the election on this Book of Faces:

“Emmy Winning Former CNN Journalist, Amber Lyon Blows the Whistle, says she has proof that CNN is paid by the US government for reporting on some events, and not reporting on others. The Obama Administration pays for CNN content!!”

—Mario Murillo Ministries

This is the type of story where I invariably take the bait. I think, “Wow, maybe they have something this time.” Keep in mind so far their score is roughly 0 for 1,364,997, but you never know. It’s like when you lick your finger and stick it into a socket thinking, maybe this time the power won’t be on. Bill Maher has addressed this phenomenon. He will dismantle the argument of some Republican or another, point for point, but then there’s always this one tantalizing piece of evidence they throw out that makes you wonder. Maher later researches this one intriguing hunk of red meat and then reports back that it’s a complete crock of shit. Dig down into the heart of Republicana and there’s nothing there. It’s my quantum-vacuity theory; it’s the invisible elephant in the room (Seinfeldentalism?).

Okay, so the first link to this CNN scandal takes you into the exciting WordPress blog world of one Mario Murillo Ministries. Don’t go there, really. After that first quote, here’s his other deductive gem:

“CNN is paid by the US government for reporting on some events, and not reporting on others. The Obama Administration pays for CNN content.”

This was the type of shit flying around the net right before the election. But I see there’s a real reporter there from CNN and the original coverage is by Glenn Greenwald. I like Greenwald and even quote him here sometimes. So, shifting out of the bubble, I read his story over on The Guardian, then the CNN rebuttal, and then Greenwald’s 2nd rebuttal. Excuse me while I lick my finger again and…..OUCH!

Umm, if you read the actual coverage it’s between CNNi (international) and the government of Bahrain. Somewhere between these two entities a decision was made to bury a certain documentary. So this is not our government, as fundamentalist Fred suggests, it’s Bahrain’s government. They seem to have dictated something to CNN International and it worked. It is an interesting read and there is a real question as to why CNN refused to air their own documentary. As for the reason? No one knows. Oh, and Obama is never even mentioned in the article. This is a device often employed by the GOP called Moronic Hyper Extrapolation (MHE). MHE…we don’t make the scandals, we just make up the scandals. I really think there’s something here, but right now it’s a mini-scandal for CNN, not Obama (hint: scandals that involve the President will typically mention him).

Hey, you want to see a real scandal? Search George W. Bush and….no, that’s pretty much it.

The danger is this: if a real Obama scandal emerges it will be fed through the Drudge filter, lovingly turned into fecal matter, and will then be dismissed by any person with a reading comprehension level above a turnip. My main concern remains, they could actually bury a real scandal—and may have already—during this perpetual information manure-glazing procedure (IMGP). Benghazi anyone? I don’t believe anything on Drudge or Fox News anymore and that’s certainly part of the reason.  I’m a Blogstradamus comparatively. Meanwhile, remember that time Dick Morris or Bill Krystol was right about something? I can’t. I cover stories that pertain to this planet, which gives me a clear advantage over the competition. Meanwhile, the GOP is doing a real disservice to reality…and the kicker is, as I’ve said before, they don’t even have to live here anymore!

When I say objectivity is dead on the Right, we’re talking missing-limbed, zombie after the headshot dead. Thankfully, more and more folks are taking notice of this phenomenon, like the electorate. Check out Salon’s take on the Right’s decent into madness. The Left is a mixed bag, for sure, but the GOP hasn’t gotten anything right since…when do they think the world was created? Somehow they remain a proud defiant party, despite their record, despite their candidate, and despite their last primary round—which closely resembled my psych unit…er, just before the court-ordered anti-psychotic injections arrive.

Romney’s tax plan and entire economic “strategy” assumed there would be a 4% growth in GDP. This will not be any industrialized country’s reality anytime soon. I disagree with Fareed Zakaria’s recent rosy assessment of our recovery. See his take here. We are still on the verge of a double-dip, a fiscal cliff, and I am not ruling out at this time the possibility of a Greenspan swirly (those are the worst).

But Romney’s plan also assumes that trickle down/supply side economics works, despite any evidence. Last week, the GOP tore down the findings of this non-partisan congressional research study. Their findings suggest the GOPs economic worldview makes about as much sense as a Kansas ski trip. But, there was such an outcry when this research was presented, the GOP had it removed….yes, removed. They had to, because it flies in the face of their prime mis-directive. What next, Zano posts? Okay, bad example; Mr. Winslow wants to take those down already.

Obama is a progressive when it comes to healthcare and green energies, which simply means he understands our future needs in a way Republicans can’t or won’t. Economically he’s walked the razor’s edge between high deficits and a double dip recession. Meanwhile, the GOP will almost immediately fall right back into any ditch—and, if there isn’t a ditch to be found, they will commission to have one dug (more shovel-ready jobs?).

“I cannot even begin to see how a conversation can begin. We have different experiences of reality. But that’s why, I think, this election is so fascinating. It will, by default, offer us a direct take on the majority’s perception of reality.

—Andrew Sullivan

Before the election the coalition of economists backed Obama, albeit barely. As I’ve said before, I want to know what a poll of a hundred economists think. Similarly, I want to know what a hundred climatologists think about climate change. The Right isn’t interested in a professional’s opinion. They are only interested in someone spewing like an Enron champagne fountain (have a Koch and a smile?). They want to know what a hundred people watching Sean Hannity think, which is an oxymoron by the way.

But what was Romney’s appeal? How did such a disingenuous man almost win the presidency?

“Evidence continues to emerge that Romney is one of the most dishonest, duplicitous candidates to ever seek the presidency.”

—Charles Blow New York Times  

I am not going to rehash all the mistruths… Mr. Winlsow fears it could crash our server, but Spitzer has one theory:

“The president’s first term dealt well with the immediate crisis of economic cataclysm but not with trends of declining middle-class income and security. People are unhappy. And when alternatives appear with promises, no matter how empty and unfounded they may be, people will give them a long look. The anxiety about our future that has allowed Mitt Romney a seat at the table is what will drive our politics for the next decade.

—Elliot Spitzer over on Slate.

Some would say the Right needs something called perspective, I would say…they need a clue. The threats of the Right about obstructionism before Election Day sucked—or, as Dan Savage put it, “We are no longer a democracy. We’re a hostage situation.”

But make no mistake, Romney would have driven us over the fiscal cliff…TO SAY NOTHING OF THE GREENSPAN SWIRLY!!

My hope is that after this election the Foxeteers realize a couple of things:

1. Do I just happen to agree with everything espoused on Fox News, even though the majority of it has been discredited?

2. Wouldn’t a return to facts and pieces of information deemed useful to people on this planet be more helpful toward solving our collective problems?

Either way their condition is, despite all rhyme or reason, deteriorating. I can’t wait for 2016, Hillary Clinton V Tree Stump. Well, tree stump does give a good stump spee…sorry.

How does the GOP still think they’re a competent party? By all accounts, it seems the Foxeteers are intent on remaining in a world of their own creation. Can this election change that? Will they even accept the electoral college results? Someone said on election night the only thing the GOP understands is losing. GOP I hope so.

You know why it’s often a “shock poll” over on the Drudge Report? …because the polls they tout are invariably bullshit. Many in the GOP called for a Romney landslide…the night before the election! Shitmentum, I think they called it. It’s like their filters now have filters. They look at the world through Drudge-colored glasses. After the election Matt Drudge displayed the Liberty Bell to portray a divided country. Umm, I’m afraid history is going to pin this shit on you and your ilk, Sunshine. But I do not believe this will be the Fall of the House of Rove. An Obama reelection is only the first round of chemo.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.