Your Insistence, Fair Reader, that I’m Glum and Hopeless Makes Me Want to Shoot My Face Off

Mick Zano

We are getting some feedback here at Discord Central and, though it pains me to admit it, not all of it is good.  People are starting to comment on my sinicism.

To my critics I say, “how could I be synical if I can’t even spell the word?”

Despite the mountain of facts to the contrary, more and more readers feel I am pessimistic, dark, and, according to at least one Crank, prone to bouts of verbal diarrhea (which doesn’t even make sense in this venue).  Today, here and now, I hope to dispel these unfounded rumors.  Think of this post as a short-term, blog-cleansing diet.  I have taken and solved many of the challenges we humans face in the early 21st century, and, more importantly, I’ve placed these solutions into an easily digestible table format.  Click on the Read More button and, well, read more…

The Bad News The Good News
Increased pollution and smog threaten our health and our very existence
Smog protects us from the sun’s increased radiation and combats global warming by actually cooling the Earth, like a big skuzzy beach umbrella.
Mercury in those ‘green friendly’ light bulbs is further destroying China’s environment and killing their workers
But they come in cool squiggly shapes! And, if that’s not enough, they make us feel good inside, until the bulb breaks, of course, and the mercury reaches our brains.
Obama may not have been born in the United States
After George W. Bush, is outsourcing really such a bad thing?
Overpopulation is a mounting threat for humanity.  There are more people alive on Earth now than have ever existed throughout history
The Earth is only 6,000 years old, so it’s really not that big a deal 
Universal Healthcare will probably suck, big time. 
Our current healthcare system sucks, big time. Why should employed people be the only ones to have shitty healthcare?
Over fishing is wiping out our ocean’s ecosystems
Mercury content is way too high to safely eat fish anyway
Species are disappearing faster than during any other mass extinction in our earth’s history.
Screw you dinosaur killing comet/asteroid thingie!  We’renumber one!
Our whole economy is owned by China
Our whole economy is owned by China
According to a recent CNN article only one percent of the Earth’s water is drinkable
The percentage becomes much, much higher after the brewing process!
This is the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression
I still own Reggie Jackson’s 1969 rookie year baseball card (mint condition)
Soylent Green, it’s people!
It’s actually not that bad with some fava beans and a dry chianti
The Pacific Garbage Patch floating between CA and Hawaii is now estimated to be twice the size of Texas
Someday the mutant hordes can use it as the foundation for New Los Angeles
It could happen tomorrow!
Tomorrow is Monday (at least when I wrote this shit)

Pessimistic, mwah?

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.