Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All

Don’t Call the Tea People Names, Don’t Call them at All
Mick Zano

Flagstaff, AZ—Oh joyous day, oh rapture, the Tea Party Express pulled into my town on 9/29. I haven’t witnessed anything that disturbing since the Discord’s coverage of Prince Charles streaking. I attended the event for two main reasons: one, it was girls’ night out so I needed to amuse myself until the “Pick utth up at Chharrrly’s” request arrived and, two, I have a political masochistic streak the size of the Ghetto Shaman’s bar tab.

Initially, I drove right past the event and misinterpreted the bus logo as Tea Party Espresso. This is Flagstaff, after all, and a big bus selling caffeinated goodness is going to be very popular here in Little Seattle. I almost stopped, but the line seemed waaay too long. Then it struck me a short time later…holy shit, The Tea Party Express! Ohhhh, not cappuccino, just a crap machino. Not an Americano, but a ‘Mericano, not a…I’m being told to stop.

(Please see my Manurechiato joke in the director’s cut of this post. Oh, and my Iced Dirty Lie Latte. Okay, I’m steeping…er, stopping. Thanks for allowing me to venti.)

So I grabbed my camera and headed back down the hill. I wasn’t going to be donning my chauffer’s cap for awhile so why not get away from all of my Earthly concerns and enter ‘The Bubble’. I arrived about halfway through the festivities. Great, an hour left. Two words, Mr. Winslow, hazard pay.

About 100+ people were in attendance when I arrived. This Real America love fest was being held in the parking lot of a local car dealership, McCoy Motors. So I immediately asked one of the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ peeps, “Umm, did you know there’s an Occupy meeting over at Hatfield Honda and they’re looking to come over here to start trouble?” No response. I also asked someone if the GOP was trying to court the used car salesman vote? Okay, I was going to need to start behaving myself. After all, I was the only sandal wearing, jeans wearing, hairy guy in attendance. I didn’t have a cowboy hat, I didn’t have an oxygen tank, and I didn’t have an American flag tattooed to my forehead…I stuck out like an independent thought.

Folks like these can smell an ‘occupier’ a mile away. Hey, cut us some slack, we rarely have access to shower facilities. I looked around. None of my friends were there. Imagine that? This was like that Charlie Daniel’s concert last month on steroids. Johnny rosin up your bullshit.

From then on I behaved. I had to. I did make some involuntary sounds when obvious nonsense was being peddled. So, yeah, I kind of sounded like I a rattlesnake with gastritis. Don’t Fart On Me? A couple of people gave me dirty looks when I ssth, or phsffft, or I occasionally coughed ‘bullshit’ under my breath.

When I arrived this blond chick was on stage (photo above). She was busy telling the crowd, “Some of you may be thinking of voting for a third party this year, well, let me tell you something, no third party candidate has ever been elected. This country has never elected a third party candidate and we never will. It’s always been a Republican or a Democrat and, when I go into that booth, I can whole heartedly support and endorse Republican candidate, Mitt Romney!”

What a disgusting view. There will never be a viable third party in this country? Oh, that’s right, they don’t believe in evolution. Funny, if they could only see themselves thumping their chests after her speech…then maybe. Republicans in the Mist?

So this group that should have opted to become a third party is now announcing the utter impossibility of anything other than Dumb or Dumber forever. Romney/Ryan 2012: No Hope, No Change, No Chance? Hasn’t she ever heard of the Transcosmetic Party? And what about the Whig Party? They elected a couple of presidents, didn’t they? So it’s not entirely unpresidented. Sorry.

Then that blond chick did something I’ll never forget as long as I live. She pointed to me and made this strange guttural sound. It was kind of like the end of that Donald Sutherland version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only creepier. Then I was wrestled into the bus and forced to watch endless episodes of Fox & Friends Clockwork Orange-style, until my IQ sank like the global economy on supply-side economics.

Donald Sutherland Snatched
Zano indoctrinated

Okay that didn’t happen. In fact, the last sequence was inspired by our last Crank feature, here . But she did say, “It’s time to send Barack HUSSIEEN Obama back to Chicago.” See how it’s spelled wrong? She said it spelled wrong. I don’t know how she did that, but she managed. Then she railed on the Dems for taking out the words “God-Given” from their platform and then she sang a song about how Tea Partiers are not all stupid racists during a song that sounded…umm, never mind. One verse warned ‘Merica that we were quickly becoming the U.S.S.A (Hint: the other S was not—like in that mattress commercial—for Savings). Soros? Societal elite? Sodomites? Smart?

Wow, what a magical evening. No really, it was a delicate blend of magical thinking and bullshit (magical stinking?). The best things in life ARE Free! When I saw Bill Maher live in Vegas a couple of weeks ago, he said the Republican Party should change their symbol from the elephant to the unicorn. Nice one, Bill. I only caught his show because, upon leaving McMullen’s, I saw this marquee over at The Orleans. I think there’s a lesson in there for everyone. I’m just not exactly sure what that lesson would be.

Maher at the Orleans

Then the bus driver for the Tea Party Express himself greeted his adoring fans. He’s apparently like their Otto man, minus the headphones, the long hair, or the illicit substances. “Hey, Bart, dude!” So Otto man, apparently named Ray, came out and yelled, “It’s great to be here in New….

Without missing a beat, someone in the audience yelled “JERSEY!!!”

That someone was me. Heh, heh. No one laughed. I thought it was hysterical. It was the only bit of levity in an otherwise completely inane group of songs and speeches better suited for the children’s fantasy section of my local bookstore. The Dragon Liars of Palin? The Lyin’, the Bitch, and the Dogma? That was by B.S. Lewis, right?

Ray apologized—he must have meant New Mexico—but he chalked up the gaffe to the already long road trip. I can only imagine. What a wrong deranged trip it’s been? I’m a grateful Dem, myself. Then he asked all of us Jersians to do three important things:

  1. Talk to everyone we know to make sure they vote for Romney (I already do that. I’m a comedian).        
  2. Pray Obama loses this November or gets hit by a meteorite (the last part was implied).
  3. Fill up this red pail of discourage with cash (which he then waved around meaningfully). This was important, not so much to get Romney elected, but to fill the tank and get us all some much needed beer and chicken wings (the last part was implied).

Then we were all asked to yell, as loud as we could, “We don’t believe in fairies. We don’t, we don’t!!”

And then we stoned a young man wearing a Will & Grace T-shirt to death. It was a truly barbaric act. I just pretended to throw stones to fit in. Really. That was the most honest and accurate part of the evening’s festivities. It all went downhill from there.

Meanwhile, my Congressional district 1 Representative wannabe, Jonathon Paton, took the mic and said:

“I never thought I would live to see the day an American President would bow to other country’s leaders. I never thought I would live to see the day government ran our healthcare system. I never thought I would live to see the day a Muslim socialist fuckwad would be telling our troops what to do!”

Did I mention this part was paraphrased? But you get the idea….this group doesn’t have any. The whole event can be summarized thusly: a watered down version of a Fox News talking point. It was as if someone only had access to Sean Hannity’s noble words from the kitchen, while doing the dishes, on Oxycontin (Oxycontin clean? Sorry Billy). Yep, it was Fox minus all of their usual, er…substance. Think about that for a minute. So you’re saying they had less facts than their candidates, Zano? Is that even possible? Actually, it was about what I expected. How could it be otherwise? Truth trickles down…well, if you start with some. They handed out a flyer listing all of Obama’s failings and broken promises, which can be summarized roughly as:

“Obama has not been able to totally undo the damage of our past voting records…yet.”

It’s disturbing to see, first hand, the damage Fox News has done to these otherwise wonderful god-fearing folks. To think of all the great things these people could have done with their time, like watch Justice Jeanine on Fox News (I’m getting to that). Somehow the bat-shit Right has managed to turn a political rally into a church group, Facebook Meetup from hell. But, then again, it was kind of fun stoning that fag. So it wasn’t a complete loss.

It’s amazing how they can rattle off a whole list of “apocalyptic” things that I don’t give a shit about. I think this faction of our society should all be handed last week’s Newsweek article President Obama: The Democrats’ Ronald Reagan.

Newsweek on Obama

Sorry, this is closer to what the history books are going to say. Of course, Obama’s a tad more fiscally conservative than Reagan and a lot smarter, but you get the idea. As for what the Tea Party believes, frankly, that only exists in a world of their own making (Romnia? I prefer to live in Zanodu, which is Never-Never Bland. I do believe in stoning fairies! I do, I do!).

I thought about interviewing a few people, but what would be the point? I know how they think, or, in their case, don’t think. I can answer every question for them. Fox News has already assimilated every misinformed, all-or-none thinker into some sort of Hee Haw Borg. Persistence is fruitful? It worked for Goebbels.

I actually went home rather depressed. Why hadn’t the Tea Party seized that independent vein of our country? Why hadn’t they done something meaningful with their angst? Why were they aligning themselves with the terminally wrong brigade? What the hell were they smoking? I smelled nothing in the air, save the Big John’s Texas BBQ truck parked out back. Yes, the air was full of the spicy hot smell of freedom.

Then I get home and the girls still hadn’t called. So I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done on a Saturday night…I turned on Fox News. I just had to find some closure. I only had about ten minutes until my daughter insisted on turning on J.K. Rowling and the Goblet of Royalties. I usually focus on prime time Fox News bullshit, but there I was turning on something called Justice Jeanine. Here’s a woman you wouldn’t normally find outside of a Bachmann rally. Again, this is paraphrased, if you want real journalistic integrity turn on Comedy Central:

Justice Jeanine: The Middle East is on fire and Obama and is siding with the Muslims over Israel!

Guest: Yeah, but Obama did kill Bin Laden and most of al-Qaeda’s top leadership.

Justice Jeanine: Who cares?

That’s when I shut it off….after about thirty seconds of her scholarly wisdom. Who cares? That part isn’t paraphrased. She really said that. Who cares? Okay, umm, who cares we nailed the top leadership of Al-Qaeda as well as possibly the single most culpable individual for the death of over 3,000 Americans on American soil. And wasn’t a Republican in charge when 9/11 happened? So the worst Al-Qaeda can do today is attack one dude in an embassy during a vacuum of power in friggin’ Libya? But that’s worse than 9/11…really? So it was better when lower Manhattan and our Pentagon were ablaze…WTF, lady?

Now, let’s pretend Judge Jeanine and the Tea Party ralliers were all willing to hear me talk for five minutes. I would step up to the mic and say, “Damn! Give it up for Big John’s Texas BBQ! How about that brisket, people?!”

Yeah, it’s not worth it. You can’t teach the unteachable.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.