Think Outside the Fox: A Crank Rebuttal

Mick Zano

The Crank had a postscript with his last feature, and, though it pains me to admit it, he’s right.  I’ve been a little bitchy in my posts lately—using more colorful metaphors and the like.  I have come up with some more politically correct compromises: instead of Teabaggers, Tea Party members will hence forth be referred to as the “democratically disabled”.  And I never should have called my Governor a bitch.  From now on such politicians will be referred to as the “legislaturally challenged”.  Even the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity do not deserve the title of “assholes”, so from now on they will be referred to as “suffering from pervasive partisanship disorder (PPD)”.

Having said that, the Crank needs to realize there is often more than two choices in life.  I put up two reasonable posts about how everybody sucks and you start ranting about my liberal agenda?  I’m an integralist.  Granted, a low functioning one prone to fits of, as the Crank puts it, bouts of verbal diarrhea, but I have figured out the big picture as it pertains to a wide range of subjects.  For example, ask me anything about the original Planet of the Apes movies.   Go ahead…I dare you.

Just because “the politicizing of global warming will be its own undoing” (Pokey and Zano, 2004), doesn’t mean shit isn’t happening.  Yes, people politicized global warming right on cue, and, yes, it is very wrong to do so.  People who falsify science on either side should be strung up, because they are attacking the truth itself.  But, as for most of those other “warmers” of yours, what’s worse?  Someone trying to make money off of saving the planet or someone trying to make money off of its destruction?  Both are wrong, but it’s another case of wrong and wronger (Hint: you tend to side with wronger). Fox News will show you a picture of a man catching a fish and say, “See? There’s still fish in the ocean.  What the hell are you worried about?”  That’s about the level of all their arguments.  Let’s be clear here:  Fox was right about the surge in Iraq (though I would still debate that). But they have been, and will continue to be, wrong on just about every other major issue of our time.  Oh, wait, they’re also right about overspending too—you know, the money spent by Dems to avoid the Bush depression.

A recent UK study just found our oceans more acidic than any time in the last 65 million years.  If you don’t believe this study, how about believing your own eyes?  There’s a continent-sized pile of plastic debris in the middle of the Pacific.  Our oceans are in trouble, and when someone comes up with a dumb idea to save the world (Dems), the only thing worse than said dumb idea is not even recognizing the problem (Republicans).  I personally know people from Alaska.  They can’t see Russia from there, but they can see the glaciers disappearing in their backyard.  Hey, maybe Palin could see Russia because all that weird icy white stuff is no longer impeding her view?  The glaciers are retreating even faster than your reason.  As I write this article another 78k chunk is preparing to drift into shipping lanes.  Do I know why the glaciers are disappearing?  Do I claim too?  For the last fifteen years, the warming has not been significant, or, probably more accurately, less significant……So?  These are mega trends that I never claimed to understand.  But glaciers are melting and if the ocean currents stop outright, the fun is really going to begin.  It’s only been a little over a century of this industrial global assault and, in that geological blink, we have seen so many noticeable changes that I can assure you we are nearing a tipping point.  Of course, soon might be a thousand years from now, but, you know what….it’s going to be a lot sooner than that.  I wrote an article on global warming recently.  I posted four main points:

  1. there are earthly cycles that we don’t fully understand,

  2. man’s impact on this phenomenally complex system is not fully understood

  3. pollution = bad

  4. strange things certainly are afoot at the Circle K (change is happening, and not that Obama shit)

I try to speak in objective truths, not in subjective partisanese, which is why very few of your attacks find their target.  We are speaking different languages and I, for one, am OK with that.  You talk about the advent of the 24/7 news cycle and how it is educating real America.  My main point has always been: you are not informed; you are programmed—programmed to illicit certain responses, like Pavlov’s blogs.  Regurgitating a falsehood, no matter how many times, is still a falsehood.  Let’s pretend for a moment that I don’t care about your stock options and your assets;  if you take shortsighted financial gains out of the equation, the Fox arguments disappear faster than Tiger’s sponsors.   

Bill Maher (from a green perspective, not mine) said on Larry King last week that the Palin folks are “Unreachable”.  They’ve essentially drank so much of the Fox Kool-Aid that a return to reason is highly unlikely.  Sadly, I understand the sentiment.  I pick on the tea party in the hopes that they really do distance themselves from both parties.  But right now, Sarah Palin is encouraging them to pick a party.  Geeh, I wonder which one she has in mind? I watched their recent convention.  In order to have a movement, you can’t keep being on the wrong side of about every issue.  You need to have some understanding of what’s wrong with this country, what actually got us here, and what might actually fix the problems.  And, sorry, but the fact that this predominately republican group formed twelve minutes after Obama came into office and then bitched about how fucked up the whole place is, well…it’s a tad suspect.

However, I am happy to say I disagree with Bill Maher.  Ron Paul just trounced all over the Straw Polls last week where Palin netted about 6%.  This is a shift away from D and R.  It’s a shift toward a man who, rightly, called out the GOP as the disgrace it is.  It’s hope! If you recall, I supported Ron Paul because of all the money he was sure to throw toward social services.  Hah!  Oh, and I grew up in a republican household, Mr. Crank, but they are now thankfully independent.  They yanked the Fox Matrix cords out of their skulls long ago.  They haven’t changed their political views; they just know shit when they smell it.

Back in 2008, I obviously did not support Ron Paul for my own interests.  Sure he would decimate Medicaid and Medicare, but one could hope he would not cut critical services.  It’s a balance.  We need fiscal conservatism, but a smart, thoughtful version.  Meeting the basic needs of a society is not socialism.  Certainly some socialist ideals can be, and have successfully been, injected into our society (where the right is wrong), but certain social projects must end before bankrupting our nation, or enabling its citizens (where the left is wrong).  Try running that deli of yours in a community without any social programs.  When I talk about gutting critical services, I’m talking about insurance for kids and medications for the severely mentally ill; I’m not talking about NAMBLA here.  Having ERs and jails choked with loons, not to mention the associated crime sprees, won’t help any state’s economy.  When it costs more money to not do something, you aren’t saving anything.  I am running out of ways to explain this.  Maybe semaphore next time.

Besides, if America can’t do anything for its most vulnerable populations, then, sorry, it just aint that great.  And, let’s face it, it aint that great—but more because of your voting record than mine.  You want to go back to 2005?  When we were invading the wrong country and blowing economic bubbles?  Lowering taxes for the rich while waging two wars?  But that had nothing to do with collapse…..right.  You remember, that fuzzy warm period when doubling the deficit didn’t matter?  Or did you prefer the part when we were diligently gutting the rule of law?  The Justice Dept just cleared one of its own of being a war criminal (Hint: the rule of law is still very broken).

Yoo is a war criminal by every definition of war criminal since the Magna Carta. 

On a good note, Obama at least seems to have a few integral moments.  I’m proud of him for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but disappointed he is refusing to meet with the Ghetto Shaman.  Obama’s mutual respect and mutual goal stuff is welcome over Incurious George’s inept imperialism.  The message I took from 9/11 was this: “holy shit, in a few years we’re going to have suitcase nukes.  If the international community doesn’t learn how to work together a little better, it’s all over.”  Instead, Republicans of the time took a completely delusional and antithetical approach.  Fear, isolation, and bombs for freedom! 

But, make no mistake, Iran will be Obama’s biggest test.  It will define his foreign policy score card.  And it will be the hardest decision in some time.  Not as easy as the Cheney’s of the world would like us to think—then again, they don’t like to think, which shows in their “work.”

Thankfully the republicans paid for what they did to us over the last two election cycles and, now, even the very heart of the neococoon is moving toward someone who despises the Fox News All Stars nearly as much as I do.  Know hope.

And, Crank, don’t be the last one holding the Kool-Aid… 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.