Christmas No Mas: or How the Crank Saved Christmas

L. Wolfe

It seems each year when Christmas rolls around, we once again hear the outcry of political correctness.  The holiday most celebrated by Americans (and some abroad) goes under siege.  As the Crank points out, Tis the ‘Christ’ out of the Christmas season again.  What’s next?  Take the nukka out of Hanukkah?  Take the Ramada out of Ramadan?  The zaa out of Kwanzaa?  Take the birth out of Birthday?  The Bud out of Buddha?  Wait, scratch that last one. 

Personally, I like Christmas the way it is, Christ and all.  A Christmas No-Mas would be a terrible thing for everyone, even if you don’t celebrate it.  Christ is a pretty important part of the celebration.

This degeneration of the importance of Christ in Christmas is nothing new.  When I was a kid, everyone used to say “Merry Christmas!” I can remember the first time I heard someone say “Happy Holidays!”  Strange, I thought, I never really considered New Years Eve to be a real holiday (silly child).  Oh, wait, I get it!  You don’t want to offend me if I don’t celebrate Christmas, so you think Happy Holidays is OK.  Then I would think, you know what, I do celebrate Christmas, it is Christmas time, and I am offended that you said Happy Holidays instead! A cheap substitute! Then, instead of starting a blog (for temporal reasons), I’d be-bop down to the pizza shop on the corner and play Asteroids. 

Each year things seem to be getting worse with all this Holiday political correctness (HPC).  This year, things went so far in Pennsylvania that Christmas Town, PA was actually renamed Holiday Town.  That only lasted a couple of days (thank Christ).   This PC-creep continues.  The whole point and purpose of Christmas is being diluted.  I believe it’s a by-product of commercialism, as Charlie Brown and Linus so clearly pointed out way back in the 1960s.  They really were visionaries; they saw what was coming.  Except Kwanzaa, who the heck could have seen that coming? Somehow there never was an “It’s Kwanzaa, Charlie Brown!” TV cartoon.  I wonder what Franklin would think? Perhaps the most powerful comment came from Charlie Brown’s teacher, “Mwa, me, mwah memawah me mwah.”  Wow, that still rings true today.

Today, part of the problem, as I see, is the commercialism of all holidays driving malls and stores to start putting out Christmas decorations up even before Thanksgiving.  That’s a different type of creep.  Same is true for each and every holiday.  Halloween decorations show up in August, Labor Day decorations show up in July, Independence Day decorations show up in May, Memorial Day decorations show up in March, Easter decorations in February, Groundhog Day decorations in December (you mean you don’t decorate your front lawn with Punxsutawney Phil’s tree stump and groundhog hole?  KILL the infidels!

By pushing the commercial sales calendar earlier and earlier, we’re mixing up holidays that normally would be separated, AKA, so that PC concerns wouldn’t be a problem.  Christmas conflicts with Hanukkah, which conflicts with Thanksgiving, which conflicts with Halloween, which conflicts with my tree stump groundhog-hole lights, which conflicts with Lief Erikson, etc.

In the coming years, I fear Christmas will continue to take hits from the PC-weanies.  Soon, you’ll be able to purchase ad space in the nativity scene at your local Church.  Instead of baby Jesus we’ll see a Taco Bell value-menu burrito snuggling in the manager, which one of the Wise Men eats and the resulting gastrointestinal display scatters the rest of the crowd and the animals. Depressing.  Siiilent Ni-(Pthhhht).  Can you edit that out, Winslow?

But don’t laugh; your church may well start a nativity scene ad spot.  Heck, even the holiest of the holy—the Daily Discord—is selling ad space now. In our defense, we really need the cash.  Our beer budget is in the crapper.  We had to go with a quarter keg of Milwaukee’s Best for the Christmas party.  Speaking of the crapper, I hope the Ghetto Shaman gets out of there in time to submit his column this week.  I would hate to see what Milwaukee Worst could do to the digestive system. But I digress…

As I said earlier, let’s keep Christ in Christmas and bud in the Buddha (and not Milwaukee’s Best!).  Christ is a pretty important part of the celebration…second only to Santa, of clause.

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