Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord has announced their intention to name November, 2nd “National Masturbation Day”! A large masturbatory event is being planned at the Wank-off Astoria next week and many of the Discordians are planning to attend, bird in hand. It’s being marketed as a peter-pulling, meat-beating ex-strokeoff-ganza!
“Why would Christine O’Donnell and her ilk support teabagging, but not pud-pulling, in the first place?” asked the Discord’s Ghetto “Shucking-bubba” Shaman. “We came very close to losing a practice very dear to me, but, spankfully, we all went into our individual pulling stations this week and tossed off a vote for freedom.”
When asked if the Discord is a staunch supporter of masturbation, CEO Pierce Winslow, said, “Certainly not. But, like it or not, it’s a hard piece of reality.” He then cited the controversial court decision, Roe v Wank: “Ultimately, I want such practices to be kept safe, legal, and rare.” Winslow warns if we outlaw the practice, “it will simply go underwear…er, underground. Sorry, that was a Freudian slip-n-slide.”
Celebrate your masturbate, people! And remember, folks, you don’t have to be a member to play with your member. The first one hundred patrons ride the Super Glide all day, free! Don’t forget to stop by our Viagra, salsa, and lotion bar, and don’t miss our special guest speaker Paul Reubens! We’re expecting John Boehner to boycott, however John Boner will almost certainly be in attendance.
Void where inhibited.