Dover, DE— Delaware was declared a state of emergency today after the FBI had the region dug up and scoured as part of the Feds expanded effort to find Jimmy Hoffa. The decision to evacuate the state came on a tip from a credible homeless person from Baltimore. The FBI claims his cardboard sign read: Hoffa’s in Delaware: Will Help Find Him 4 Food.
FBI head nominee, James Comey, has already assumed command, “I know I haven’t been confirmed yet, but it’s a mere formality. Our inability to find Hoffa has been a black eye for this institution. It’s a disgrace. My first order of business is to find this guy so we can get on to the peoples’ business, like maybe finding Amelia Earhart.”
At this hour thousands of displaced Delawarean refugees are flooding over the borders into Maryland and that other state that borders Delaware. (Sorry, Google Maps is down.)
Barack Obama said, “If this was a bigger state we would never have attempted something so evasive. But there is no way to imagine America without Delaware, and this great city will rise again.”
When reporters pointed out how that was just a recycled Bush speech after Katrina, Obama said, “Yeah, I forgot to change city to state. Crap.”