Emerald Isle, NC—A presidential tweet is at the heart of the investigation into how two U.S. nuclear submarines beached themselves earlier today along the North Carolina coast. Trump recently called Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and said: “We have two submarines heading to North Korea to keep baby face, nut job in line. They are nuclear submarines, so they glow. The best glowing subs! Better than even the Philly cheesesteak. So if you see two glowing things south side of your island Sunday night about 11PM. Just wave. It’s all good.”

Press Secretary Sean Spicer told the Discord today, “President Trump did not give away the position of our nuclear subs illegally. When the president tweets something, by definition it is immediately #declassified. The president is also not responsible for the beaching incident. He did not tweet any commands to the fleet in the field. Besides, the submarines shouldn’t be in the field anyway, they should be underwater. Hey oh! I’m here ’til Friday. No really, that’s when they’re cutting me loose and bringing in a hot chick. I guess Melissa McCarthy’s career is over too. Ha! Last laugh!”