What President John Q. Republican Would Do “from Day One” in 2016

Mick Zano

I don’t think we have to worry about a republican president anytime soon, but let’s contemplate an elephant in the White House.  Let’s watch this scenario play out and see what he or she would do from day one. But let’s take this sneak peak from the relative safety of a nearby parallel dimension —preferably the far end of said parallel dimension.

First, let’s look at the riveting platform our new Commander in Chief, who would no doubt be using his “mandate” on steroids (mandate = losing the popular vote while squeaking out the Electoral College):

1. I will continue to stand behind the most tested and failed economic strategy on earth (Hint: it rhymes with Pickled Clown Economics).

2. I will run on creating a slew of committees to investigate a host of invented scandals (Hint: the most popular one sort of rhymes with Svengoolie).

3. I will run on an imaginary republican record, based entirely on a form of revisionist history that would make even Don Quixote wince (Hint: this is part of my “when the manure hits the windmill” theory).

From day one:

A republican president would start to revoke Obamacare and Medicaid expansion to the cheers of millions of the now uninsured masses. Kentuckians, many of whom are among our sickest and poorest, won’t really notice as they probably haven’t gotten too attached to their new doctors yet. NYT story here.

“Don’t think of it as losing more teeth, think of it as protection from roving death panels.”

—John Q. Republican

Then church bake sales would increase across the nation in an effort to compensate through a nationally unfunded: Don’t have Healthcare? Have a brownie Instead initiative. This would compel Michelle Obama to dash around the country trying to knock the tasty treat out of people’s hands.

[Heck of job, Brownie joke omitted by the editor]

Eventually the Affordable Care Act would be replaced with a Hannity America’s “Get a Life” Survival Kit, which comes with a free year’s subscription to The Weekly Standard. Should any condition become too painful, the gun included in Hannity’s We Don’t Care Package can be used to stop any dental or medical emergency, before it starts.

“From my old, bleeding gums!”

—Charlton Denture Heston

[Stand your ground under it law joke omitted by the editor]

The second term for John Q. will start with the creation of his initiative: Stand Your Ground From Six-Feet Under It.

From day one:

A republican president would initiate the War on Math by firing the current director of the Congressional Budget Office and then immediately spare no expense finding a qualified mathmafictionalist. You see, a person with the right math-deficient-personality-disorder (MDPD) must run the CBO, a person that has the ability to present the “right” kind of numbers each month. Of course, you might as well ask the CBO to find a unicorn, because conservative economic theories reside wholly in the fairy realms—wait, I’m being told they banished all fairies. FAGS DOOM NATIONS!

“Few economic theories have been as thoroughly tested in the real world as supply-side economics, and so notoriously failed.”

—Robert Reich

Reich’s take here.

[“Reich’s third joke” joke omitted by the editor]

From day one:

The anti-apology tour would begin in earnest. The president would dash from country to country in an effort to remind leaders how:

“We’re really not sorry for anything—that was just the black guy talking—and those U.N. rules and global standards are really for other countries—those not deemed number one and who act like number two.”

—John Q. Republican

Meetings with other world leaders would become surreal as other parts of the globe aren’t really privy to the whole Fox News alternate universe thing (FNAUT). This will likely come as a great surprise to President John Q., who doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t thank America, regardless of its actions, or recent policies, or inability to adhere to international law. In response, our new president would start saber rattling at all of the petty dictators all around the globe, from Putin to Borat.

For Phase Two they would initiate Operation: Enduring Erection by proceeding to blow the shit out of lots of stuff, fairly randomly at first, until some annoyed factions initiate a coordinated response, thus forming actual targets. All this military action would occur while taxes magically go down. It’s a secret strategy republicans like to call, Fuck the Global Economy. Soon, the Defense Secretary would be fired and then so would his replacement, as these unnecessary wars just “don’t seem to be accomplishing the desired results.”

“I had to start these wars without congressional approval as Post-Obama the world no longer takes America seriously. For proof, see related Breitbart.com link, here.”

—John Q. Republican

This will all go over very well and make the world safer for Democracy…at least in a hundred years or so when radiation levels subside.

From day one:

John Q. would put tremendous pressures on the Mayor of New York City to jack rents so high that the United Nations would be forced to move to New Jersey, where Chris Christie could then close all the bridges, forever trapping the entire building in East Orange, all during Operation: Bolton Lightening.

From day one:

The president will cosign all techniques utilized by our police and military, even the parts that strangle unarmed people in the streets—especially those. They will then continue to strip anyone deemed wrong of their rights and will then strip them of their clothing.

“Then we will commence with the torturing for Jesus.”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. Habeas corpus? That’s Latin, which is all Greek to me.

The police state will jump back into gear as every sneeze from across the pond will be translated as an imminent threat. Then, the most incarceration happy country in the world will open even more private prisons to house all the different-looking-folks (DLFs) because:

“The incarcerated market works! Uh, for those few left outside.”

—John Q. Republican

President John Q. would then further expand NSA and the CIA while pulling back any and all oversight. All in the name of Freedom!

All in the name of Freedom

From day one:

The president would initiate a slew of Real Benghazi investigations—you know, now that we’ve gotten all that preliminary nonsensical stuff out of the way. This round our republican friend would start asking the right questions about those who died tragically on the real 9/11 because Obama hates America.

From day one:

Our republican president would fix the educational system. No Child Left Behind would then be expanded to rocks and other inanimate objects so we can all wait for Johnny and his pet rock to overcome his fetal meth addiction. (Actually I blame liberals for this one too). I say we gut our educational system like a fish and start from scratch.

“Once the new republican budget is passed, children from sea to shining sea will have the choice to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, or be beaten with them. Oh, and I’m being told the shining sea part is due to rising mercury levels.”

—John Q. Republican, Education Czar

So what’s the worst that could happen with a republican president in 2016? Best case scenario, another global economic collapse and the worst case scenario, WWIII. None of our savvy Foxeteers really remember how the Bush Administration came very close to coordinating with Israel to bomb Iranian nuclear facilities. Hell, the lessons from the last news cycle seem beyond them. Oh, wait, those are called talking points and they do seem to remember all of those.

President John Q. Republican would likely be even more delusional than our last president, as that’s the current GOP trend.  Armed with a fixed belief that America can do no wrong and how, despite not winning any wars since WWII, we can’t possibly lose any. And how gutting all taxes will somehow spur growth, or as I like to call it “a depression.” Frankly, I think avoiding the next collapse will be difficult enough for a Dem. In short, a republican president operating from a delusional ideology will be a complete fiasco. You can bank on that—wait, I’m being told those will collapse too.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.