Pope Seeks Retirement Advice from Emperor Palpatine

Erisa Brahe

Vatican City–The Return to the Papal Side. On Monday, February 11th, Pope Benedict XVI looked out his window, saw his shadow, and promptly announced there would only be two more weeks of his papacy.  As the Pope scurried back into his chambers, many were left plagued with questions. The job of being Pope is a lifetime commitment much like owning a pet, serving as a Supreme Court Justice…or, as I have come to discover, certain Discord internships. 

The situation not only has Vatican officials scrambling to dig up a papal retirement plan that hasn’t been used in over 700 years, but it has also placed an expiration date on how long we can keep comparing the Pope Benedict to the Sith Lord Emperor Palpatine—a sad day for spoof news indeed.

First, let me explain how I stumbled across this story. Way back in August the Discord blessed me with some company funds to cover the Republican and Democratic National conventions, so of course I took the money and promptly went to Vegas. 

In my gambling and alcohol fueled stupor I was able to catch only snippets of news items from the muted flat screens in various casinos.  I remember something about Clint Eastwood arguing with chairs, Democrats arguing over how Obama wasn’t Bill Clinton, and Romney insulting 47% of voters by putting women in binders and explaining how they haven’t been legitimately raped.  Overall, the media shit storm was larger than expected…wait, that might have been Superstorm Sandy. 

Sorry, it all started getting blurry by November, when the last of the Discord and my 401K funds dried up.  Just as I was trying to keep the buzz going with some stronger liquor, our CEO, Pierce Winslow, had Alex Bone send minions of Yig after me to collect on my debt.  

So now I find myself on the steps of the Vatican, with a migraine, trying to decide if I want to face down a Sith Lord who hates his job or a swarm of money collecting snakes.  Why’d it have to be snakes?  On the off chance that the Discord would forgive me if I finally submitted an article, I chose the darkness. Besides, a man who could make me his Sith Apprentice could probably do something about my hangover. It seemed a fair trade.

After sneaking into the Vatican, and leaving security to deal with the slithering things trailing me, I finally located the man I assumed to be the Pope.  He looked like the Crypt Keeper and had a fancy hat and all, but apparently I was mistaken.  The only statement this gentleman was willing to provide was “I am not the Pope you are looking for.” 

I still don’t understand why?  Why is the Pope stepping down in the first place?  Rumors are abound, but it stands to reason that where there’s a catholic priest and a scandal, there must be children.  I think that’s somewhere in the Bible. Lekidukiss? I was reassured by Vatican officials that the slaughtering of younglings via light saber is a traditional rite of passage for Sith Lords and then they showed me that scene from Star Wars: Episode III as it ties in to the Old Testament.

“Begun the Pope Wars have.”

—Yoda

Despite Vatican damage control (VDC), some rumors suggested the Pope is stepping down so that Disney can cast him in the upcoming movie Star Wars Episode VII:  A New Pope. Allegedly, there is also a great pressure on George Lucas to change his company name to Industrial Let There Be Light & Magic.

The official reason for the Pope’s departure is this: he does not feel he has the strength to fulfill his duties.  I guess the Force was not strong with this one. 

So guys…umm, are we even? Can you call off the snakes? Why did it have to be snakes?

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