You Say You Want a Revolution?

Mick Zano

Ahhh, revolution is in the air…someone open a window. The difference between the Arab Spring and the U.S. Fall is simple: the Arab Spring is a series of revolutions designed to overthrow dictatorial despotic governments, while ours is an attempt to create one.  It’s like some Saudi Prince saying, “Hey, let’s gut all regs and let the me market work.”

The group of Americans all fired up and ready to start shooting shit need to take a chill pill.  Luckily, you can probably score some from that Medicare drug supplemental plan you never funded.  Let’s not forget, a lot of this is your fault and, more importantly, when we need you for the real action, you’ll be AWOL. Your brave and fiery movement is destined to die the day a Republican returns to the Oval Office.  Trust me on this.  It will be business as usual. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.  By the time you figure it all out…who I am kidding? You’re never going to figure it out.  I saw this show already. I remember when Fox News switched from “all is well” while Bush was burying us to “take out the black guy” while Obama was still picking out his curtains. 

Watching the degeneration of Repulicana has been painful. How could they possibly get any worse?  It’s unimaginable.  It’s not something even I, on my most cynical day, could have predicted.  I maintain that 40% of our country is prepared to prop up a conservative likely to be more damaging than Bush.  Texas Governor Rick Perry?  Really?  Here’s a guy who seems not only to have drank from the Cup of Stupid but actually forged it himself in the fiery depths of Mt. Dim.  How do you find a Texas Governor nuttier than Bush?  Someone had to have looked under a Texas-sized rock to unleash that magic. 

A letter to today’s Republicans:

Your ill-advised, ill-informed uprising is a sideshow distraction.  You have no idea what’s happening, no idea how we got here, and no idea how to fix things.  The rest of us can’t even figure anything out anymore because of all the rubbernecking delays caused by this sad excuse for a movement.  The accident that is your revolution is drawing everyone’s attention away from the real issues of our day.  I still believe, Sanjaya!

You’re using our collapse—the one you helped create—to drive some crazy-assed agenda. You can stop this shift downward toward the least common denominator anytime now.  You would be better served to just stop and let someone take the reins of this little movement.  I am offering my services…for a small fee.

Don’t you get it?  There’s such a credibility gap in Republicana that if and when you really do break any news, no one else is going to believe it.  That’s my fear.  You are marginalized and ignored, and rightly so, but what happens if you get something right?  It could happen…maybe.  Thus far I have yet to see anything productive or meaningful come out of your discourse. 

Things are certainly wrong with our government, but, as I’ve said, the movement we should be having has been hijacked by morons.  You are going off all half-cocked about all the wrong shit.  Your anger is being orchestrated. You’re being played by some puppet master.  Your revolution has a script…a script written by some tycoon somewhere.  Only those who are truly sick of both parties should be leading any kind of revolution. Transcosmetic Party anyone?  You don’t even realize this is a revolution by Foxy, er…by proxy.  Your revolution died the moment you let Fox News run your little insurrection.  That’s like having Heinrich Himmler run for office in Germany in 1946. 

Besides, the real leader of your movement, Ron Paul, is being completely marginalized by that same evil entity.  Why?  Because he understands how much Fox News is part of the problem.  He embarrassed them in 2004. He is truly a ‘pox on both your houses’ dude.  They don’t want that; they want a Bush to correct all of the problems started by….er, Bush. 

Name one agenda item of yours that differs from the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world and you’ll have my attention.  You can’t, because Mr. Burns is funding your revolution and is authoring your talking points and stoking your fury (hint: against all rhyme or reason you’re still championing Bush’s policies. Really? America is so dense it can’t even pull off a proper revolution!  AhhhHhHh! 

That’s a great plan.  Let me know how that works out for you. 

Respectfully deposited,

Mick Zano

Meanwhile, Michele Check-Her-Clozaril-Level Bachmann vows to tear down the EPA when she gets into office.  Who does that benefit?  Well, in her defense, she thinks the EPA stands for Evil Progressives for Abortion.  And if I hear one more cognitively impaired person say “we have a spending problem not a revenue problem”…duh.  But you spent the shit!  You cheered on Incurious George for those unfunded wars and those unfunded programs and the policies that brought us here.  Hey, I got it!  Forget the stimulus, how about a real compromise?  We’ll only raise revenues (let the Bush tax cut expire for the rich) to pay for those Republican policies, aka, those unfunded toys you voted for.  I’m talking about the policies—not the price tag under one president—but the policy debacles Republicans spawned and fomented over the last decade, aka, Iraq until it’s finished…not Iraq until a Democrat is in power.  Then we can resume the Bush tax cuts for all…just as soon as you pay for the shit you broke (aka, the shit I didn’t want, but the stuff you ‘fiscal conservative’ types continue to champion).

I have been calling for a revolution too, but I just want one that makes some bloody sense.  If your “revolution” consists of a series of Fox News talking points you can leave me out. And if you think many people with an IQ over 90 are going to get behind anyone currently leading the Tea Party, you’re…er, under 90.  Frankly, this is how not to start a revolution.  If I hear one more time on Fox, “the left is out of excuses, it’s all they have left.”  What?  I’m still waiting, years later, to find one thing the Republicans have ever gotten right.  I ask, in many of my neurotically repetitive posts, when has anyone ever said, thank God we listened to those folks over at Fox?  I guess it’s a rhetorical question at this point.  It’s like a Zen paradox…something to meditate on, like The Ghetto Shaman’s “sound of one cheek farting.”  You’ve been duped, revolutionary peeps. An original thought hasn’t come out of your heads yet, and when it does it will be immediately refudiated!

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.