Throughout my journeys, I’ve encountered many candidates for the quintessential pub. I’m talking about those uber-bars with gritty style and spirited atmosphere, witty hip characters, stimulating conversations, and delicious beer. I’ve noticed that these greatest of taverns often experience the one same problem—lack of single women.
I’ve reflected deeply on this phenomenon, very deeply (zip). What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, why don’t single chicks hangout at cool spots? Perhaps these establishments promote an offensive vibe, and that’s the reason for these ladies’ absence? Is it possible that these floozies have been made to feel uncomfortable at these greatest of gin joints? But when I investigated into the sleazy, tacky places where these wenches did frequent…well, I realized that it was just the opposite. For some reason (possibly a deep-seeded inferiority: PDSI) American women tend to hangout at culturally dead and often sexually degrading places. They just love paying cover charges for a disco DJ with pumping primal porno music and a dance floor filled with body rubbing rejects. Wow, I feel rewarded after that stop. The ladies love it. Or how about we hangout at a big stale subdivided lounge with social cliques so tight that you have to pull your cheeks apart to fart.
“Excuse me miss, maybe you’d like to checkout the cool brewpub with yummy beers and free live jamming music next door? Or there’s the stylish pub with great beverages and characters rocking beyond last call. We’ve got a hippy bar with the best jukebox in town and an outdoor beer garden. And don’t forget the casual corner bar…Oh, you’re meeting all of your female friends at the Sugar Shack. Great.”
Why do women spend their time and money the way that they do?
The answer hides within the occult history and evolution of the sexes. The phenomenon of sex first emerged outside of a Neolithic nightclub—that they called ‘caves’—as a survival pump for the purpose of propagating the species toward light beer and bad music. This archaic impulse when harnessed through primitive tribal ceremonies—that they called ‘happy hours’—drove our ancestors toward rabid cannibalism and virgin sacrifices—that they called ‘fun.’ At this level of sexual development our urges are powerful, yet brutal. Women in ancient cultures learned that their safety depended on keeping men tangled in endless competition. In order to stay elusive they developed the survival mechanism of social shape-shifting from one identity to another. This ‘identity-shifting’ is etched deep inside women’s psyches. Men refer to this phenomenon as ‘two faced,’ ‘cock tease,’ or ‘lying scumbag bitch whore’ (LSBW).
As tribal communities arose, sexual consciousness focused on issues of survival, protection, childbearing, power, and ladies’ nights. The male warrior became identified as the protector of his female, but the woman was also identified as his possession. From this place of power, traditional kingdoms and chivalrous etiquette refined the blade of law through the social instrument of marriage. The Enlightenment then sparked the romantic expansion beyond individual identity. Personal freedom of expression now blossomed in these beautiful women who were previously mandated to the role of the subordinate. The growing educational and economic opportunities granted women expanding choices to direct her own destiny (stripper, prostitute, or battered housewife). The baby boomer revolution climaxed with uninhibited sexual experimentation (bondage, sadomasochism, or erotic asphyxiation). Now at the integralist’s level, we taste the joy of true liberation and realize that our own attachments (many of them sexually driven) have imprisoned us in our daily delusions. I recommend genital mutilation.
The history of human sexual development must be recognized, integrated, and transcended if we hope to salvage civilization and evolve into higher frequencies of sex, love, and culture. It’s not just our foreign policy that has inspired Islam to wage Holy War against the Big Satan; it’s our cultural complacency and decadence. You ladies have the difficult task of soul-searching beyond your ego’s habit of identity hopping. As you do so, you will realize just how much you invest in cultural pornography.
Pornography is any cultural expression—TV, movie, music, literature, website, theatre, pubs, and clubs—that, by its nature, leads to a dulling, degeneracy, or complacency of those involved….you dirty skanky shit pouch, you. Pornography is any device of entertainment that inhibits people’s natural and healthy growth toward individual and cultural enrichment. Shit pouch!
How can we best bring about this cultural awakening of which I speak?
It’s time that you ladies started making more mature decisions regarding atmosphere, beverage, and music selection. Remember, you hold the power. You’ve just been stuck in a rut for an epoch or two. Please allow me to guide you on a tour of the town’s rising hot spots. Let’s crack this party to life as art waves wailing across the cosmos and then back to my place for the finale (I take my eggs medium, my homefries crispy, my coffee black, and my women in crotchless sheep costumes).