Artificial Self-Esteem Bolstering for Dummies

Pokey McDooris

Data collected from a recent questionnaire given to freshmen college students suggests the self-esteem of our nation’s young people is rising, while their merits and achievements are steadily declining. Consider the implications: increased self-esteem accompanied by decreased test scores and marketable skills equals…well, just peruse the better part of the Daily Discord contributor list.

Let’s consider a case study of our own Little Johnny, a normal all-American child with an idyllic upbringing. Johnny’s parents taught him that he was a very special child. Under the guidance of social workers, his parents made their whole world revolve around Johnny. He was very well provided for–whatever Johnny wanted, Johnny got.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s psychologist told his parents and teachers that Johnny’s anxiety and anger were triggered by unusually harsh demands being placed on him and by being told “no”, the other “n” word as Johnny’s parents now refer to it. Johnny’s school stopped imposing consequences on Johnny for his aggressive outbursts; instead his teachers now give him stickers, prizes, and toys, whenever Johnny goes an hour without assaulting anyone.

Good job, Johnny.

The school no longer uses the word ‘teacher’ when describing their relationship with Johnny. You see, the word ‘teacher’ implies that this person is hierarchically ‘better’ than Johnny. This phrasing could hurt Johnny’s feelings by making him feel inferior. In order to best bolster Johnny’s self-esteem, whenever we document or discuss our interactions with Johnny we will now be replacing the phrase ‘Johnny refused to follow his teacher’s directions’ with ‘Johnny chose to reconsider his associate’s suggestions.’

Good job, Johnny.

Other refined words and phrases:

Old School New School
Johnny broke the rules Johnny chose to explore alternative options
Johnny lied Johnny spoke words inconsistent with reality
Johnny punched a peer Johnny coordinated his motions in such a way as to interfere with another’s comfort
Johnny threatened a peer Johnny spoke words foreshadowing an ill-fated future for another
Johnny told the teacher “fuck you” Johnny expressed a desire to develop a deeper intimacy with his associate

Johnny’s school doesn’t believe in failure, or the “f” word as his teachers now refer to it, so Johnny will be graduating high school with honors even though he can’t construct a grammatically correct sentence or add without using a calculator.

Good job, Johnny.

And Johnny’s a great athlete. He sits on his bean bag chair for hours playing football, boxing, baseball, and hockey. He’s destined for greatness. Johnny’s also a Navy Seal, a Ninja, a Supreme Allied Commander, and sometimes even a grand auto thief.

Good job, Johnny.

On Facebook Johnny is the producer, director, and star of his very own personal reality TV show called ‘Everybody Loves Johnny.’ He’s very popular. He has thousands of friends.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s extraordinary talents don’t translate well into the normal workforce. A person of Johnny’s caliber doesn’t perform well when other people tell him what to do. Good thing that Johnny can make more money by not working. Johnny’s caseworker is helping him obtain social service benefits, medical assistance, behavioral health coverage and welfare. Johnny might even find a scholarship for college. I think that Johnny will be very successful.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s story should inspire us all. No longer do we need to be burdened over stressful standards of achievement and personal responsibility. Just like Johnny, we’re entitled to access all the glories of greatness without ever having to leave the comforts of our government subsidized home.

Good job, society.

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Pokey McDooris

Pokey McDooris

Pokey is The Discord's chief theologian and philosopher. Pokey performs an important function here at The Discord, namely by annoying the living shit out of Zano, whenever he submits something. 

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