For the third and final question the man recounted a tail seldom heard among cryptozoological circles.   After being abducted by alien Bigfoots at Stonehenge, he was taken aboard the Loch Ness monster, which he described as a black and white metallic vehicle with red and blue swirling lights on top. 

He claims to have spent the next night shaking and sweating uncontrollably aboard a spaceship in a small stark, cell-like structure. There, he could hear the alien Bigfoots whispering things about college football and “that fucking Obama.”

Obviously, our president is doing an excellent job thwarting the alien agenda, which, according to Jesus, “Involves something really cool, uh, if I could just bum a smoke.”

At one point during his ordeal, while still aboard this craft, the man detected a noticeable presence in the room. One of the creatures then asked him for his belt and shoes, which might indicate the aliens’ interest in accessorizing. He then talked about being returned to Earth but losing a large block of time—a common phenomenon in UFO abduction scenarios. The man’s fantastic tale ended as abruptly as it began, however, as…er, Cokie really doesn’t have much of a tolerance for malt liquor products.