Is Anyone Outside of Fox Surprised “The Pause” and “Climategate” Are Both Bullshit?

Mick Zano

Is anyone else getting a little sick of the actions of rightwing climate denialists? I haven’t seen a group so doggedly wrong about something since whatever the hell was on Fox News yesterday. Sure you’re always wrong, but this is the issue you will be damned for. Mark my words, history will eventually take all those single quotes Matt Drudge keeps putting around the words ‘climate change’ and stuff them up his fat [bleep].

Remember last year when Republicans were harping on this “pause” in climate change? We had the hottest fifteen years on record, but it held pace for a time which was immediately translated by our friends on the right as “not happening.” Well, surprise surprise the ocean temps have started tracking upward again, here. Whatever the Earth was doing to compensate for global warming has failed so this “pause” is officially over. My 2013 comment on this phenomenon:

“I’m afraid this warming trend is likely to resume soon, but the GOP’s inability to process data will likely go on until the bitter end.”

Mick Zano, wise ass and insufferable told-ya-so artist

See, I get to link back to my stuff, but it’s best to forget about what they said. They certainly have… Linking back to their thoughts—that way lies madness. Now the latest attacks from the right wing’s nonsense-machine are just as ridiculous. This next round of crapola is drifting toward us in the form of expanding sea ice.

“Ocean sea ice is growing when all models predicted a decrease!”

—John Q. Republican

This is actually true, which is a small victory in-and-of itself for conservatives. But sea ice ranges from a few inches to a few meters in thickness and can grow or disappear in a matter of days, weeks, or months. Glaciers, however, take thousands of years to either form or dissolve—that is, until the 21st century. So it’s just another false comparison, which is one of the bullshit-tools-of-choice for our conservative friends. We have an entire political party built on misinformation and this is just the latest example. Why can’t any of them get a handle on something over a mile thick?  …Yes, I’m talking about their skulls.

Compare Sea Ice to Glaciers

The below quote comes from a unique perspective. It’s courtesy of a climate scientist and evangelical Christian. No shit. When asked why people don’t want to believe in climate science, she said:

“It’s easier to deny the reality of the problem altogether than acknowledge that it is real but we don’t want to do anything about it because it’s against our politics. Not only that, but in the interests of presenting a fair balance, we are also being fed false information through the media. A recent study reviewing news coverage in 2013 showed that 30 percent of the climate change information on CNN contained misleading statements. That number increases to 72 percent on Fox News. So it’s hard for people to know what’s right and what’s wrong.”

Katherine Hayhoe

Dr. Hayhoe doesn’t cite the 72% Fox falsehood claim anywhere, to which I call bullshit. The percentage is probably much higher. As part of her solution, she urges the scientific community to take the time to reach out to churches and help them understand science.

What?!

Your first statement says it all: 72% of what Fox News says on this—or any other subject—is bullshit, and almost all republicans believe Fox News is a legitimate news organization. So you think a scant 177,000 lectures at each of the estimated churches across our country will somehow quell Fox Noise? Really? Good luck with that noble endeavor, Sisyphus.

Wouldn’t it be more advantageous to convince people that Fox News is full of shit? This is my strategy and, whereas it too is a waste of time, it does have the benefit of the occasional midget porn joke.  What we really need to do is simple—never elect another republican president. At least not until their party returns to reality …and even then, probably not.

And remember Climategate? I would like to take the time to add this to the republican loss column as well. I am being warned about rehashing the republican’s full list of blunders as it would tax our new server’s capacity. Climategate only showed us one thing:  Sean Hannity should really consider getting his GED.  Now extrapolate that sentiment to the majority of his viewers. Evening classes are available. On a side note, could you imaging having Hannity in your GED class?

“What? Everyone knows Paul Revere was warning the British! Heck, Sarah Palin said that right on my show…Is it an ice age or global warming? When will scientists make up their minds?”

—Sean Hannity, Village Idiot

According to Republicans, the source of Climategate was this email wherein a scientist discussed “fixing the data.” The email is referred to as ‘Mike’s Nature trick…to hide the decline.’ But, as it turns out, this decline mentioned in the email had nothing to do with global temperatures.  

“That’s just incorrect, as you would have known if you were part of the community of scientists doing the research. The ‘decline’ being referred to wasn’t even about global temperatures at all, but rather, a decline in the growth of certain trees whose rings were being used to infer past temperatures.”

—Harry Collins, Cardiff University

By the way, “fixing the data” refers to cleaning up the outliers and making the data presentable, but this  immediately became part of the Climategate mystique. Hey, how about a series of investigations? Benghazi! Better yet, how about someone on Fox News takes a statistics class.

“Climategate didn’t undermine the case for human-caused global warming at all. Rather, it demonstrated why it is so hard for ordinary citizens to understand what is going on inside the scientific community—much less to snipe and criticize it from the outside. They simply don’t grasp how researchers work on a day-to-day basis, or what kind of shared knowledge exists within the group.”

—Harry Collins, Cardiff University

In the same Mother Jones article, Dr. Collins maintains that when a given scientist presents any data that suggests a warming trend is occurring, they are immediately labeled an “elitist”.  I realize this political pressure occurs in both directions, but such shenanigans are probably less prominent on the left and when it does happen it’s primarily driven by a fear that “we’re all going to die.” I’m not excusing this behavior, in fact, it’s gone a long way to validating republican’s otherwise ridiculous opinion on this matter.

So let’s put the future of mankind in the hands of non-experts whose current track record makes Lindsay Lohan seem like Bruce Jenner. Breakfast of Chumpions? Whereas the scientific community is trying to get to the truth of the matter, the GOP is forever trying to hide the truth. Fox News remains the bane of our existence and they are only getting better at their obfuscations. Okay, not really, but they’ve just come to the conclusion that no one on their side of the aisle even cares about the truth anymore. Oh, you have actual data? ELITIST!

Ultimately they will have a hard time explaining their position to future generations. Of course, they won’t notice this worldwide condemnation because of the riveting 229th Climategate hearing.  What did they do with the outliers and when did Obama know about them?

Last year, the U.N.’s panel on climate science raised the probability that human activity is contributing to climate change from 90% to 95%, here. That’s not to say science always gets everything right, in fact, Greenland’s glaciers are melting faster than predicted, here. 

So at this point of the game I gotta ask, are republicans really this wrong about everything or is this more about how much loot they can bank before the shit hits the giant wind farm that they refused to fund? Which is it? For the one percenters it’s probably the latter, but for the other 99% of the Fox Nation well, you’ve sold out your planet for the hope of one day being as rich and as shortsighted as your sociopathic CEO friends—which is even worse.

When we see Glacier National Park renamed Valley-Created-by-Glaciers National Park, and when we see the fabled Northwest Passage drop the “fabled” part, and when we can no longer have expeditions to the North Pole without wetsuits, uh, what aren’t you people getting? Oh, that’s right, anything.

“Science doesn’t know everything, but republicans don’t know anything.”

—Mick Zano

And, as for those one percenters, I hope those champagne ice sculptures were worth it. Hey, but on a good note ice sculptures may slightly increase land ice. I can’t wait for the related Baier Report segment on this one, or, as I like to call it, The Bayer Report.

Where Climate Change Is Likely to Hit the Hardest
Where Climate Change is likely to Hit the Hardest, Even the GOP's frontal lobes are toast, people. It's that pervasive.
Even the GOP’s frontal lobes are toast, people. It’s that pervasive.
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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family. 

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