American Psychological Association Insists “Torturers Strictly Adhered to All A.P.A. Formatting”

American Psychological Association Insists "Torturers Strictly Adhered to all A.P.A. Formatting"

Washington, DC—Further evidence is mounting that the American Psychological Association (A.P.A) collaborated with the Bush Administration and the C.I.A. to develop enhanced interrogation techniques, which later came to be known as: Operation: We Tortured Some Folks.

The A.P.A. is now on the defensive about their role in torturing people at Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, and that Organizational Psychology conference in San Diego. A psychologist who helped develop the Patriotic Torture Program (PTP), James Mitchell, said he is confident that “All torture reports written during that period strictly maintained a high standard of A.P.A. formatting (Johnson, A., Peter, A. (2003), pp. 198–215).”

When asked about the political fallout and consequences to the A.P.A., Mitchell said, “I do not believe the institution’s reputation has been tarnished in any way. We simply expanded the A.P.A.’s rules of professional ethics to include a few carefully selected Gestapo techniques (Wood, A., Dick, A., 2004). Every report handed to me during those cruel and sadistic Bush-era torture sessions were all well written, well referenced, and resulted in zero instances of plagiarism (Penis, A., Thomas, J., et al, 2006). Although I must admit we did borrow some of the techniques themselves from Nazi Germany, The KGB and the movie Fifty Shades of Grey (2015).”

Mitchell defended the techniques in question by showering with his mouth open before hurling himself repeatedly against the shower stall wall. “See? This isn’t so bad? I only chose those few Gestapo techniques that best represented American values.”

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.