Washington, DC— The cover-up conspiracy continues as the IRS scandal evaporates into thin airtime. Granted, a link has yet to be established between the White House and the IRS’s targeting of conservative groups, but who knew the IRS could be such assholes to people? That’s certainly news, or at least news-ish. A group of people who declare war on taxes remain surprised by the subsequent increase in attention and audits. Shocking!

“And what about Benghazi?” said John Q. Republican. “I haven’t heard it mentioned in weeks, despite the fact the State Department botched the lead up to the event, by ignoring imaginary warnings, then spun the next day message through fancy verbiage, and then lacked the magical hindsight to go back in time and save those people. I never thought I would say this, but Bill Maher is right, why didn’t we deploy Iron Man?“

Conservative groups remain livid that liberals don’t even consider Benghazi a scandal, despite the fact people died, in Libya, which almost never happens…er, except in every corner of the country almost constantly.

President Obama added, “And I want to apologize to the American people. Let me be clear, I had no business using legally legislated tools to combat the War on Terror. It’s inexcusable to spy on Americans after we all approved this shit years ago.  From this point forward, I will continue to read all of your emails but vow that I will no longer comprehend them. Not only is this more constitutional, it should be a nice segue to a Republican president.”