What Are You so Damn Proud of Real America?

Mick Zano

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

So it’s time for another patriotard reality check.  Nationalism has its place, but not when it becomes a liability.  Liberals are always painted as un-American and there’s certainly some truth to this statement.  Although I don’t categorize myself as a liberal, I do feel the need to come to the aid of those less-than-enthusiastic citizens among us.  I think trying to hold this country to a higher standard is far more patriotic than the endless cover-ups over at The Weekly Standard.  It’s not un-American to simply point out the fact: hey, we’re really starting to suck.   I think Christine Aguilera can work that into our anthem; she may have already.

 What exactly is real America still so jazzed about?  Is it the vulturistic feeding frenzy that passes as good business these days?  I know, I know, you like capitalism so much you need to receive telemarketing calls 24/7, right?  I love spam on my computer, at home, at the office, on the street, on the frigging fax machine…I can’t get enough of the stuff.  Oh, and I sent that 25 bucks to that royal prince who couldn’t access his overseas account, and what did I get?  Bupkis!  Damned royal princes. 

So you like the ponzi scheme our economy has become over the last few decades?  “The only thing that works is a free market,” said the mogul to the moron.  Even Glenn where’s-my-Zyprexa Beck agrees our economy is a ponzi scheme.   Are you proud of the fact the dollar died in November of 2008 and our President, a reasonably intelligent person, either isn’t telling us the truth or hasn’t figured that out?  Are you proud of the last throes of the U.S. dollar?  A currency that has no actual value anymore in this dimensional plane of existence?  Wait until it’s no longer the world currency…that’ll be a hoot.

Do you like how much influence and power lawyers have these days?  How TORT reform is only addressed by those not in power?  Don’t worry, that next group’ll fix those legal eagles, fer sure.   

This is a fun fact: more people die of doctors than guns these days.  Oh, I know what you’re so proud of: the fact the U.S. is 21st in literacy, and dropping…or how about 29th in infant mortality?  And how did the WHO manage to rank the #1 healthcare system in the world 37th? What does Roger Daltry know about medicine anyhow?  He just hopes he dies before he ge-ge-ge-gets old.

How about this gem: our species is designed to improve upon itself, yet, for the first time, America has actually become dumber in recent years, despite this evolutionary impulse.  Did you swell with pride reading that one?  Something swelled for me too, but it might just be because I’m writing this post in a vegan joint and I’m the only dude here.  Humanahumana-hummus.

Do you love a country that insists on John McCain’s tax cuts so he can buy his ninth house while his state attempts to cut off half its Medicaid recipients?  Build that fence high, John.  Not the one on the border, the one around your house. 

Are you proud of the fact that 40% of our population is still ready and willing to vote-in a person so grossly under qualified, she should not even head a PTA meeting, let alone a country?  Yeah, I’m talking to you, Snooki.

Or are you more proud of the fact we can’t trust the vast majority of our lawyers, our bankers, our brokers, our politicians?  You know what I think it is? It’s the complete illegitimacy of our media, that’s it!  Facts aren’t really facts anymore, data can be bent to absurdity, and nothing is even mentioned unless it supports some ideology or another.  I should start a blog.  I can prove anything now!  Comedian Jon Stewart was recently ranked the most trusted journalist on the left and, I’m sure the right will find someone equally trustworthy, someday.   Dennis Miller? 

Are you proud of the fact that the only group who covers up more rapes than our armed forces is our churches? Are you proud of our reality television personalities?  Are you proud of the fact Gerber products contain high amounts of high fructose corn syrup?  Largest waistlines in the world?  How did that happen?  Hmmm.

Are you proud that pharmaceutical research is geared toward endless symptom relief, not any genuine cures?  Are you proud of 100 years of psychotherapy and the world keeps getting sicker?  Yep, my field sucks too, but probably not as much as yours.

Are you proud that we’re not willing to change our lifestyles to save our environment (hint: it’s going to change drastically anyway).  And, yes, you can take that both ways: economy and environment.

Or is it that we dismantled the Bill of Rights and chose to embrace torture to defend our “principles”? On a related note, are you proud that our former president can’t travel abroad because he’s deemed a war criminal?  Oh, you can omit deemed, he’s an f-ing war criminal.

Are you proud that our way of life is subsidized by the continued exploitation of third world countries?

I tease America out of love.  There is lot of good in America, despite America…but sorry, those paying attention can see just how bad things have gotten in the last decade.  In fact, I was pointing it out long before most of my colleagues, who seem to have all the answers now.  Does this make me un-American?  I always mention 2003, that was really the beginning of the end for America.  You’ll never see what the Iraq War cost us on any graph over in the Fox lands.  It’s been effectively erased from all graphs and pie charts.  I felt pretty darn un-American for protesting on Shock & Awe day.  I had never been jeered at and had things hurled at me out of car windows before—well, not sober. 

And I have to say, I understand Michelle Obama’s “First time I was proud of America” moment a lot more than I understand Rumsfeld saying yesterday on Fox “I don’t think America has anything to apologize for.”  You don’t remember Abu Ghraib, Sunshine?  I think I’m sorry…for you.  Likewise, I feel Michael Moore’s somewhat exaggerated attack on capitalism is closer to the mark than the Fox Business News version.   And, yes, I’ll take the Colbert Nation over Hannity’s America every time.  Does that make me a liberal?  Sorry, I think that makes me observant.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.