Washington, DC—Jack Primus is coming under a lot of fire over the past several days as hordes of the tentacle-ridden maggoty fungi, known as the Migo (no relation to our politicians), are assaulting humans all over the globe—not to mention the Romney family’s endangered species petting zoo.
Firearms have had little impact on this interstellar menace and Jack’s advice to soldiers is ‘to chop them into small bits’ isn’t winning him any new friends. While the rest of the world is hunting down Jack in the hopes of offering him up to the Migo in order to stave off this destruction, I managed to find him lounging in front of the local pub called Scallywags. There, he agreed to this exclusive interview:
Alex: “Hello Jack, how strange seeing you here.”
Jack: “Well, I do work here. At least I have since I spent all the gold Yig gave me, and my former squeeze, Loni, changed all the locks on her door. She didn’t like it when I became a serpent during sex. Chicks these days, eh?”
Alex: “So the War on Women is becoming a War on Serpents?
Jack: “You can say that. It doesn’t really make any sense, but you can say that…”
Alex: It’s amazing stalwarts such as yourself still have jobs. I thought with your new book coming out you’d never have to work another day in your life other than maybe lifting your cuter fans onto the back of your Harley.”
Jack: “I didn’t write that book. Griffiths is stealing all my ideas and not giving me a cent! I heard he raked in so much loot after one of his last book signings that he and Zano ordered a whole bucket of chicken wings. He sent me the bones in the mail—the bastard.”
Alex: “So how do you feel about the big C sending the Migo after you? And can I get Loni’s number?”
Jack: “F-Cthulhu and no you can’t. Old squid face can come after me whenever he wants, the damn parasite. I prefer an honest fight. If these off-world scum think they can just come down here and walk all over [insert seventeen minute rant against aliens here].
Alex: “So what is it about the second Chronicles of Jack Primus, now available on Amazon, that has them all fired up?”
Jack: “For one thing, it doesn’t portray the scum of evil in a handsome light. These days vampires have bling, werewolves make good boyfriends, and ghosts make people horny. WTF?! It won’t be long before zombie prostitutes are on every street corner. Hell, vampires would rather tear out your neck than snuggle and the closest some chick will ever get to a werewolf is when he’s shitting her out the next morning.”
Alex: “Does your book expose their weaknesses?”
Jack: “Hail Yig, it does. No one likes to be hit between the eyes with a sledge hammer. My book also lets the reader know what their strengths are as well. dyevils use fire, Selectors move like ninjas on meth, and darcarre prefer blondes—which was also a great movie.”
Alex: “If you had to sum up the book…”
Jack: “It’s a non-stop, kick ass, explosion of action where I prove once and for all that I’m America’s next heartthrob hero, well, in between ordering beer and cheese steaks.”
Alex: “Any plans on how you’re going to stop this Migo invasion?”
Jack: “Oh yeah, but I can’t tell you because some of their crawdads allies have learned to read, but I will say it involves Northern Arizona, a soon to be active volcano, blowing up a dam, and eight-thousand tons of butter. Oh shoot, here come a few dozen Migo now. Time to step up, Boneman, I have an extra hammer you can use.”
Alex: “Damn it, why does Zano get all the cushy haunted pub assignments?”