Washington, DC—Nearly a dozen well-armed and unwashed men have gathered at a local pub in our capitol, demanding the President protect their 2nd Amendment rights. This group is coming at things from a different angle. They believe very soon Americans will need, “All the weapons and Coors products they can get their hands on!” This growing movement, calling themselves the Bath Salts Brigade, fears the Zombie Apocalypse is long overdue.
I caught up with their spokesman, William Lynn, and he had this to say, “All around the globe cannibalism is increasing and corpse sightings are on the rise. Pardon the pun. Obama can have my gun when he becomes a zombie and grabs it with his cold dead hands. With Z-Day just around the coroner, we need to be stocking up on weapons, not taking them away just because a few people are wasting kids. Hell, those will be a few less Zeds for us to kill later. Do the math!”
When I asked, “But aren’t zombies fictional?” Lynn punched me in the mouth and tried to break his beer bottle over my head. After being restrained, he yelled, “You’re walker bait! They’re already in Atlanta…try to make it to that farm!”
Another member of the cult, Freddie “Walker Waster” Wheeler, had this to say, “We just saw a zombie last night. He was leaving this bar and weaving all over the place. When we grabbed him, he puked all over me. It was just like that 28-Days thing…”
“The movie?” I asked, but he said, “No, the rehab I was in.”
Later, I contacted Michael D. Griffiths, author of Eternal Aftermath. He’s considered by many to be a resident expert on the pending Zombie Apocalypse.
“First off, guns are for wimps,” said Griffiths. “Any loser can pull a trigger. If you rely on guns alone, you’ll get cocky and soon the undead will be scooping out your brains and playing drunken soccer with your skulls!”
Apparently, they do that. It’s a little known zombie fun fact (ZFF).
Griffiths then said, “Real men wade into battle with a broad sword, because they don’t run out of bullets and chicks dig men with big swords. They don’t call them broad swords for nothing. While the gun lovers are racing around thinking they can shoot their way through a hundred walkers just to get another case of warm beer, I’ll be off in the woods with your girlfriends, eating crawdads, playing horseshoes, and smoking weed…building a Dionysian paradise.”
I asked, “You’re talking about a Discord contributor party, aren’t you?”
“Well,” he said, “We don’t call them that anymore. Those attract the local fuzz faster than the Ghetto Shaman in a school zone.”
I decided to bring the two men together to work out their differences and get to the brain of the matter. But before I could even outline the discussion, the men started arguing:
Lynn: I will be safe in my bunker, walker-bait!
Griffiths: What a blast, hope you brought a lot of post-apocalyptic porn (PAP).
Lynn: I have an anti-zombie vehicle that kicks ass and it has an ice chest for my Coors!
Griffiths: Sounds great, well, until you run into the first road jammed with abandoned vehicles and that will take about two minutes. But then you can just start shooting and attract every zombie in a five mile radius. Still, I’m sure a man like you will be fine…as zombie food.
Lynn: I’m going to shove that sword up your…
Griffiths: Have fun in your rolling metal coffin, zombie bait!
Things digressed from there, so I decided to interview a friend of the Discord’s, General Mitchum:
“Whether it is a fascist takeover, a Zombie Apocalypse, or a Justin Bieber concert reanimating an army of Twilight-loving pre-teens of doom (ATLPTD), there will always be a threat that gun-nuts think justifies their right to bear enough arms to equip a third world army. All we would need to do is leave a six-pack of Silver Bullet and a bag of pork rinds on their porch. This will also eliminate both werewolves and Jews. Then, while they’re passed out, we rob’em blind. Yes, we will miss the beer, but it’s a worthy sacrifice!”
So is the threat of the dead starting to walk around with a taste for human flesh a justifiable reason to have firearms and keep blondes locked in your bunker? Only time will tell.
“Stop screaming, bitch! It puts the lotion on its skin or gets the hose!”
We are preparing for the upcoming outbreak in our own way and my personal choice is watching reruns of Scooby Doo, eating chicken wings, and doing huge bong hits, or as I call that, weekends. Just don’t call them Discord contributor parties, I think they started monitoring our social sites.