Interview with the Zanpire

The Crank

The following is a one-on-one interview with Mick Zano, or the Zanferatu of the Daily Discord. While I feel strongly that the Discord readers must begin to understand the real Zano, it was taking place during a particularly great short-skirted blond interviewing another great short-skirted blond on Fox News, so I was somewhat distracted.

Crank: Hello Mikko

Mick: Huh?

Crank: I want to ask you some questions about your real feelings.

Mick: I don’t have ‘real feelings.’ I live vicariously though my pet hamster.

[awkward silence]

Crank: Well, I have suffered through the Discord almost daily since its inception.  I can honestly say that I have real misgivings about your ability to oversee such an important news destination.

Mick: I don’t oversee shit, blame Winslow.

Crank: You seem to excel at blaming.  First off, with your constant bloviating about how bad the right is, do you have concrete ideas that would change things for the better?

Mick: oh, yes………..

Crank: well?

Mick: Uh, wut? Oh, well Bush was very bad…evil, in fact.

Crank: Sure, but what do you think we as a country should do to improve our current situation?

Mick: First, we must all acknowledge the fact that Bush was bad, very bad, and let’s not forget Cheney.  He was bad too. If we all do this, together, perhaps in the form of a collective sonnet or epic poem, things will undoubtedly change for the better.

Crank: Look, the Tea Party people believe that we should as a nation spend less, tax less, and concentrate on our basic beliefs of smaller government, family values and thrift. What would you say would be better?

Mick: Tea Baggers are bad, stupid, racist and, did I mention, bad?

Crank: Do you think Obama is on the right track?

Mick: No, Obama is getting pretty bad too…

Crank: Who would you think would do a better job?

Mick: Someone that was…well…much better. We are on the track for total annihilation of America as we know it, which, more importantly may impact my personal ability to acquire specialty coffees and Belgian beers.

Crank: Do you believe we can be saved?

Mick: In a word, no.  In two words, no way.

Crank: That’s it?

Mick: Yes. I don’t know what is right; I am just an expert on what is wrong. It is my life’s burden to know when something is wrong—identify it, pointed out, and add witty dialogue for the amusement of others.

Crank: Well, what exactly IS wrong?

Mick:  Everything.  It’s all wrong, all of it.

Crank: Mikko, you always state in your columns that you feel the right has “wrapped themselves in the flag,” and that they are wrong to claim that they are patriotic.

Mick: Oh yes, they all think that they are the only ones that are patriotic.

Crank: Did you attend any Fourth of July festivities this year?

Mick: Fireworks were outlawed in my town. Too dry.  And, besides, you can blow off an appendage.  There’s only one appendage I want blown.  I do see fireworks then.  That’s arguably patriotic.

Crank: Do you own a flag?

Mick: Well, no, too difficult to assemble…and the folding—God, the folding.

Crank: Have you ever worn anything red white and blue?

Mick: No, I am more of a grey person.

Crank: Do you love your country?

Mick:  It’s more of a platonic thing. I get a place to live and, of course, it has helped me reach this stunning level of intellect. 

Crank: Thank you for this revealing interview. Can I switch back to Fox News now? Megyn Kelly is wearing a mini…OhOhhh, say can you see?


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