Collapsing Shack, AZ—The following is an actual account of something that happened in my personal life. Let me tell you what happened to my friend Billy. Well, parts of it…
Billy looked at him longingly. She had such respect for him, even if she didn’t know his name. It was hard to learn too much about a man that only groaned. All she needed to know is that she loved him.
At first she had tried to learn more, but every time she checked for a wallet or tattoos, he would just try to bite her, but then that was part of his charm, wasn’t it? He was so mysterious. Ted, as she had taken to calling him, was one of the first guys she had met that wasn’t just interested in her for sex. And that made him so special, even if he did leave a lot of stains where she had him chained in the guest room.
He was not like other guys. He didn’t just stare at her tits, although he had tried to bite them.
Her friends thought he was ‘gross’ and ‘disgusting.’ They even told Billy she should dump him, but she knew they were just jealous.
Ted was so low maintenance. He never asked her to do any housework or wanted to go drinking with the boys. He only had eyes for her. Billy loved how much he wanted her and jerked against his chain trying to get closer each time she entered the room. It was so sweet.
Billy would never need another boyfriend, because Ted wasn’t going anywhere. Finally a man that liked her for who she was on the inside, even if he just wanted to eat them.
But then she began to wonder. She had seen all those vampire and werewolf movies where they could turn their lover with just a bite and she figured this might work with Ted too. But should she do it? She wanted to live with Ted throughout all of eternity, but being a zombie was also sorta gross. Besides, would he be as interested if she wasn’t warm and living?
She was just so confused. Night after night she would wander down with her clarinet and play All of Me, just out of range, until the sun came up.
Really, she would have to be careful. It wouldn’t do for Ted to eat all of her. She wanted some of her to be left to love him for all of eternity and all that. But she also knew that one little bite would do. But she had another problem. If she became a zombie she might not remember how to free him. How could she make this work? Relationships were so complicated.
Then she had it. Handcuffs! Billy giggled over the kinkiness of it all. If she handcuffed Ted to her, then they could be together forever. They could wander wherever they chose, eat out whenever and whoever they wanted. It would be so romantic!
After stashing her journal, entitled ‘forever love,’ she arranged for this final step in preparation for their bounding.
The next day, I found her twitching legless carcass moving in circles on the floor. At least some of her would be together with Ted…er, in his stomach.