New York, NY—After news broke of an MSNBC employee’s decision to join Ukrainian forces to fight Russian aggression, Fox News went into scramble mode. The minutes of yesterday’s executive meeting revealed a series of initiatives the Fox network floated to discredit, Malcolm Nance, the heroic foreign affairs analyst turned Ukraine freedom fighter. The Discord has procured a copy of these minutes, and the document reveals a frantic 24-hour period wherein Fox & Friends pursued several tactics to counter the news piece of a gutsy black liberal doing manly things. At first efforts were directed at inventing some trans-related gender scandal, after all, his name is Nance. They then explored Nance’s connection to an overdue library book in 1992, but it was decided that the majority of Fox News viewers would not find the story of a literate black person credible. To Fox’s credit, they dismissed the notion Nance was a type of cyborg transformer who actually doubled as Hunter Biden’s laptop. There are limits. Near the end of the meeting two primary strategies surfaced, either label the entire affair black-on-Black Russian violence, or somehow link Nance to the death of four Americans during the Benghazi embassy attacks. When all leads seemed a bit of a stretch, even by Fox News standards, an analyst from their Audience Engagement Department suddenly “volunteered” to fight for the Kremlin. The Fox employee is being deployed along with a Russian BGT battalion to the Donbas region of Ukraine sometime Thursday. The as yet unnamed rightwing counterpart released a statement that he does identify as a man and is in no way connected to the horrible atrocities that occurred in Benghazi under Hillay Clinton’s watch in 2012.
Fox News CEO and someone’s trophy wife, Suzanne Scott, told the press today, “It was a tough decision to send Chuck, or Bob. We have not released the full name of the deployed personnel, because we’re working with HR on the nameular details. My understanding is that he was on an action plan anyway, and this could both save face and paperwork. This is a formidable action plan, right? I mean, you can’t argue that one.”
President Zelensky has decided to convert to a Muslim just to place a fatwa on Fox News, and he hopes to interview someone from the Fox organization in Kiev “real soon.” Zelensky then rather menacingly cracked his knuckles before breaking a walnut on his forehead to the backdrop of a Chuck Norris poster.
Former President Donald Trump tried to tweet an angry response from the toilet, but then remembered he was blocked in more ways than one.